Apology Letter to All The Men In Numbers 13

Dear...From the tribe of Reuben, Shammua son of Zaccur; from the tribe of Simeon, Shaphat son of Hori; from the tribe of Judah, Caleb son of Jephunneh; from the tribe of Issachar, Igal son of Joseph; from the tribe of Ephraim, Hoshea son of Nun; from the tribe of Benjamin, Palti son of Raphu; from the tribe of Zebulun, Gaddiel son of Sodi; from the tribe of Joseph (that is, from the tribe of Manasseh), Gaddi son of Susi; from the tribe of Dan, Ammiel son of Gemalli; from the tribe of Asher, Sethur son of Michael; from the tribe of Naphtali, Nahbi son of Vophsi; from the tribe of Gad, Geuel son of Machi. (see Numbers 13 for more details),

I feel that it is only right to tell you how sorry I am for my behavior. You are located at the end of the laws and the beginning of the juicy story. This means that I have read about the layout of the tabernacle, the rules on sleeping together, who is dirty and who is clean, and the oodles of sacrifices. Oh, the list goes on. Honestly, I am ready for a little action.

It is in this spirit that I tell you, in the bible you are geographically unfortunate. I found myself skimming over each one of you today, without a care. I understand the importance of your mission and the death that most of you suffered. I understand that you had fathers and families. It is my will that is weak. I saw the genealogy coming and immediately searched for the end of the list. I was more interested in your expedition to Canaan than your identity.

Please don’t feel singled out. Let’s just say, it happens sometimes. Other times I try to pronounce every name so the characters become more real to me. I just had an impatient morning. You are very important to me, and I appreciate your bravery. Forgive my rudeness. I meant no disrespect.

In God our Father,

Tracy

Please tell me I am not alone.

God Is Not Like My Grocery List

I sit down today, recording my Thanksgiving grocery list with flourish. Methodically, I put each ingredient on the page, and sit in wonder at the similarities of my paper and the canvas of a masterpiece. This sheet of paper is the beginning of my Thanksgiving spread.

Thanksgiving has been the one holiday that my husband and I can truly call our own. It was not intended to be like that. Our first year of marriage, we were recovering from the wedding, so no traveling then. We certainly had enough food for everyone, though. We ate amongst our wedding gifts.

Our second year, we went to Meredith’s house for Thanksgiving. It was wonderful fun. We were with oodles of her family, and…I didn’t cook. Win, win, win.

The next year, we were back home. This time I thought that I would really outdo myself, so I did the turkey and everything else that I could associate with Thanksgiving…for two people. We ate Thanksgiving for two weeks. I just couldn’t stop my nesting self.

Even when there are only two of us, I want the full spread. My grocery list is where the magic begins. What lies at the end of this grocery list is all mine, manageable aside from human error, and a scrumptious reason for giving myself a gold star.

When I was praying this morning about this upcoming preparation…I should explain, considering that some of you have been preparing for weeks or even minutes. My in-laws are coming in next week; therefore, we will have Thanksgiving late. My husband and I will have too much food on the day of Thanksgiving, but it will be of a different variety than the traditional Thanksgiving fare. That will be fun, too.

So, this morning I was thinking about this song, What Do I Know of Holy, by Addison Road, that has completely touched my heart over the last few weeks.

In acknowledging what I don’t know about God, I can acknowledge it is my struggle. I like knowing where I stand. I like understanding the parameters. I like saying, with certainty, that the outcome will be two meats, seven sides, bread, and three desserts…and a relish tray.

In fact, sometimes I pretend to be too familiar with His infinite nature. I pretend that I can know Him, instead know of Him.

When He gets too new, too unpredictable, I distance myself. My quiet times look like a woman doing the Heisman, holding Him at arms length while I keep running with the Thanksgiving turkey under my arm. Any deeper and I will have to see the new frontier. So, I shield my eyes as long as possible.

I can honestly say that I am on a new frontier. This week and last week have brought their own share of worries, struggles, and frustrations. I am left to say that this life is not like my grocery list at all. I look at God calling to me and saying, “I could be so much more to you. You do not have to control this.” Not easy for the master list maker.

All things point to…God is not like my grocery list.

Do you love the preparation for Thanksgiving as much as I do?

Getting Left In the Dark

Oh, I can barely contain myself. I have been with my mentor for a couple of hours this morning, and, as usual, God showed up.

I have been writing about transition. That explains what my life feels like right now; it is about “the next”, whatever that is. Often, transition in our Christian walk feels like the lights go out.

I am in a season of intense times with God. I have been in it since April. My days are planned around quiet times, often hours. I love it, but I feel that my season is changing.

My transition has been affirmed through the last few weeks. I have found that in my quiet times with God, He has moved just a little. I am humbled and grateful that it has made me want to reach further for Him. Let me tell you why…

In the past, instead of reaching further, I have stopped reaching. I have coveted that presence in the emotional space where it once resided. I have made the mistake of turning this movement of God against myself in mourning. If He does not stay fixed, then it must be my fault. Often, I have tried to analyze what I had done wrong. What did I do to make Him go away? Where should I be repenting?

This is a lie. God loves us more than we can imagine, more than I can imagine. If He moves, it is for me to follow. I have found myself simply desperate to follow Him. All that He had to do was move a little.

I do try to look to God in all things. I look to Him for my very life, but He is now calling me to watch for Him. There is a difference in looking to, and watching for. One lifts my head and the other makes me scan the horizon with anticipation. I have determined this, when God is on the move He wants my attention.

Let me give you an example that helped me. If you put a baby in front of a stimulus that repeats, eventually the baby’s heart rate will slow. It grows accustomed to the stimulus. If you introduce a new stimulus to the baby, the heart rate goes up. Yes, I am the baby in this scenario.

When God wants my attention, what better way than to take a step back? It makes me want Him more. Last month I reached for Him, assured of where my hand would land; and, now, I need to reach out to the unchartered, trusting that He will guide my hand right into the palm of His own.

So, I will raise my hands, cry out “Abba, Father” to find a resting place for my soul. I will worship Him and thank Him for this new season. God is on the move and that is a reason to rejoice, no matter what happens.

Do not remember the former things,

or consider the things of old.

¹⁹ I am about to do a new thing;

now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

I will make a way in the wilderness

and rivers in the desert. – Isaiah 43:18 & 19, NRSV

I would love to hear what you think about times of transition. Have you ever stopped reaching, like me? Leave me a comment and let me know what is on your mind.

Who's Wild Now?

I changed things up a bit today. Interestingly, the same advice given to married couples applies to our relationship with God. Sometimes, you just need to shake it up. Some of you might doubt that I have a wild side, but today I had my quiet time in the kitchen. Yes, I did. Who’s wild now?

My conclusion is…I am very human, and sometimes I need to change the look of my quiet times to stay motivated. Since I am communicating one-on-one with the Lord of hosts, He too, is probably urging me to see Him from another room in my house. I listened to some Old Testament, I read some Jeremiah out loud, and I read some Matthew quietly…all from the kitchen.

Could I actually learn something from a new room? Let’s see…

If you have raced with foot-runners and they have wearied you,

how will you compete with horses?

And if in a safe land you fall down,

how will you fare in the thickets of the Jordan? – Jeremiah 12:5, NRSV

The truth is that I don’t know how I will fare. When I have failed in the little things, how do I expect to succeed in the big ones? I have grown weary in some small areas of my life. Money is one that I feel I am just starting to understand.

Caring what others think is another area where I fall. I know that other’s impressions are of no eternal consequence but, sometimes, my immediate response is one of wanting some woman in Bed, Bath & Beyond to think highly of me. Considering that I am often there in my grungy clothes, even post-exercise, impressions might be strong smelling but they are not always strong. I have ways of keeping myself humble, without even trying.

You see, I will see the horses coming. The horses are easy to spot and hard to beat. I need to work on the time in between. I need to practice running where it safe, because I desire to not only survive these upcoming races, but succeed against the horses and the thickets of the Jordan.

Perhaps, part of not being wearied is striving to know God in new ways, to change our routine a little, making room for His revelation in other parts of our lives, or rooms of our house.

Do you need to change up your quiet times to keep you motivated? How do you do it?

God let us see the foot races and learn these lessons without growing weary. Let us stand strong in the safe lands so that we will fare well in the thickets of the Jordan. Prepare us for these days to come and refresh our knowledge of you.

Multitasking and the Death of My Memory

Just by writing this, I feel that I am letting down women everywhere.

I am a horrible multitasker.

It can be done, but as I was standing at the refrigerator getting a glass of water while trying to empty the coffee pot of any unused portion, I realized that I was sliding into the splits on my kitchen floor. Ironically, I maintained that I had it under control as my glass of water ran over and I spilled the coffee trying to right myself in front of the coffee pot. It got me thinking.

Recently, I was at Women of Faith, where Marcus Buckingham spoke. In his book, Find Your Strongest Life, he asserts that multi-tasking is a myth. He says, “…the average worker’s functioning IQ drops ten points when multitasking, more than double the four-point drop that occurs when someone smoking marijuana. (The analogy the researchers used is that a ten-point drop in IQ is equivalent to missing one night of sleep).”

Hmmm.

I was with a dear old friend of mine, yesterday morning. Yep. I visited, instead of blogging. We went to high school together and the stories flowed. I found that they were mostly one-sided. He would tell something and I would tell him that I vaguely recalled it, but I have a horrible memory for those kinds of things.

The truth is that I have a horrible memory for a lot of things. My husband comes home at night and asks me about my day. I freeze. I have to work to recall what happened to me.

A woman’s life, my life specifically, lends itself to this multitasking lifestyle. So many things happen around us that we find minutes and days passing which are marked by the memory of enduring simultaneous tasks, and not specific events. Memories of layered processes are being formed with nothing remarkable to hold on to. I guess that we need those 10 IQ points for the remarkable.

I also need those 10 IQ points to keep from breaking glasses, burning food in the toaster oven, forgetting about things on the stove, leaving the water running in the bathroom, accidentally cutting myself, and getting frustrated because everything needs me at once. It doesn’t. I just create an immediate environment, where I feel like I will buy myself five minutes through simultaneous tasking. It is never true.

One of the greatest aids in analyzing my tendency to multitask and lose valuable life moments is also something that I mentioned in an earlier post. I have started running (click here for the gory details), well, let’s call it light jogging. The comment that I hear from people who hate running is, “It is so boring”. The truth is that it is not boring, but it requires that you entertain yourself.

It has really challenged me, because when you are running you have to think about something, besides hating it, to get it done. Then there is a point that you reach where you no longer think about not thinking about it. You just go somewhere else where your brain can empty itself and think one thought at a time. Revolutionary, I know! It gives a point of reference for the rest of my day.

I think that I have been urged to singleness of thought by this exercise. I am alone, with no distractions but a little worship music. It is easier to accomplish a run if I submit to the action, rather than count the seconds left in my miles. I want to transfer this mentality to my daily life. I want to honor the task at hand and move quietly from one to the next. Living in this moment and moving to the next with the possibility of remembering something usually lost in the shuffle. Think of conversations that could benefit from those 10 IQ points.

There are women, with whom I have spoken, who express real concerns about prayer time. To many women, quieting the mind for prayer is another task to endure. Does anyone else have trouble unwinding?

I am convinced that this lifestyle affects our quiet times. Part of saying no to multitasking is devoting all attention to one task. When we sit before God we twitch, make the grocery list, make mental trails, and work ourselves into a tizzy because we feel that we are dishonoring God by our brain in motion.

Prayer requires one line of thought. Reading the word becomes a conversation with the Spirit when there is one line of thought. When my life goes haywire, this is where I see the difference. If I can sit down and rest in the word and rest in prayer, it is a good day.

These are just some thoughts shared with the knowledge that there are other multi-taskers out there. I would love to know how you combat this tendency to spread yourself over the tasks of the day.

Or, I guess that I should start by asking the question, are you combating it? Leave me a note in the comment section, and let me know how you deal with multitasking.

Sitting By The Roadside, In My Living Room

Building on our discussion, yesterday…

This morning I ran across this,

As they were leaving Jericho, a large crowd followed him. There were two blind men sitting by the roadside. When they heard that Jesus was passing by, they shouted, “Lord, have mercy on us, Son of David!” The crowd sternly ordered them to be quiet; but they shouted even more loudly, “Have mercy on us, Lord, Son of David!” Jesus stood still and called them, saying, “What do you want me to do for you?” They said to him, “Lord, let our eyes be opened.” Moved with compassion, Jesus touched their eyes. Immediately they regained their sight and followed him. – Matthew 20:29-34, NRSV

Old Road From Jericho to Jerusalem, Israel

I was so inspired by these verses.

Cry out

Call Him by name

Ask Him for mercy

Listen to Him asking what I need

Ask Him to open my eyes

See His compassion

Wait for His touch

Know that He can do for me what he did in Jericho 2000 years ago

I sat in my living room, calling out for His attention as if He was passing on a road in front of me and I could not miss this opportunity. My life depended on it. I called to Him for mercy, my Father, my Savior.

I need to be free from the lies of the enemy that mentally shackle me. Lord, open my eyes to see the truth. He heard me because of who He is. He knows the urgency of my request. I sat and waited.

I know that He is working in me to free me from untruth, and opposition from the enemy. This is what Jesus does. He frees His people.

Thank you, Father.

Does pride keep us from crying out like our life depended on it?

Baby Steps Through Revelation

Consider this more conversational than informative. Most of the time that I blog, I write about something that I am reading that morning. So, if I am reading 1 Peter, I write about some little nugget that was pointed out to me while I was studying. What you see, is what I see.

I mark many nuggets in my bible that I never get to, or some that will have to wait until another time. That is what I have been writing out of lately, those that have waited.

Why? Because, I am reading Revelation.

Revelation is THE book that makes me step back and go, wow, baby steps. I once had to outline Revelation in seminary, to the detail. It might have conditioned me to aversion.

Not only that, but there is so much controversy about it…often, unnecessary controversy. I do not see the doom and gloom side of God, much. I never come to that conclusion on my own. I think that is because I trust Him.

I trust that, like every other event in my life, I will be ready for it if I am meant to go through it. I also believe that whether I am an amillennialist, pre-millennialist, or post-millennialist, I don’t have to be right. I trust that God knows what He is doing.

I see Revelation like a wonderful watercolor. It is full of distractions and runs. It has shapes but no defined edges. I don’t mind its lack of assurance, and then complete assurance. In all of these duplicitous tangles, I find God’s sovereignty.

This is my favorite image, so far. In my mind, I am a pillar in the temple of God; and, as I read, I find myself longing to be the church in Philadelphia.

“If you conquer, I will make you a pillar in the temple of my God; you will never go out of it. I will write on you the name of my God, and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem that comes down from my God out of heaven, and my own new name.” – Revelation 3:12, NRSV

I am SO there; and, that is what scripture does for me. It leaves me wanting more.

This being said, I am enjoying my journey through Revelation.

Do you feel intimidated by any book in the bible?

BTW, thank you for those of you who went over to the Internet Café, yesterday. I appreciate all of your support and comments, more than you know.

Rounding the Corners

The one thing that I can count on is that my life will always be turning a corner. Just when one thing is done, there is another decision to be made. These decisions take up too much room in my brain.

When I am rounding another one of these corners, I walk into my “time” with the Lord, distracted. The last one that we had was my husband’s job. These types of things put you on your knees…a lot.

We have had a new possibility brought to our plates. So, this morning I went into prayer time, distracted. I asked God to take away all of the world that was caking on my flesh, and just strip it away so I could be with Him, alone. I remained distracted, constantly coming back to my new corner to be rounded.

I read Philippians today, and I was brought to these three verses in prayer.

Ephesians (not Philippians) 5:8, NRSV, “Try to find out what is pleasing to the Lord”.

Philippians 3:12, NRSV, “Not that I have already obtained this or have already reached the goal; but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own”.

Philippians 2:11, NRSV, “Therefore, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed me, not only in my presence, but much more now in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling:…”

See, the common denominator?

They all tell me that the relationship is not one of resolution; not until I am dead, so I need to get this idea far from my mind. These verses tell me that God moves forward. He has the answers, but that doesn’t mean that I get to have them right now. I may not see the answers for days or months. I have been there. He is faithful.

I could yell and demand it from Him. I have been there, too. In the midst of my ranting and raving, tears and whimpers, I have found that the revelation of God is the sweetest part of the process.

The day before Dwight received his job offer, I was given this verse in prayer, Joshua 3:5, NRSV, “Then Joshua said to the people, ‘Sanctify yourselves; for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you’”. The next day, you can be sure that I knew the sovereignty of God.

That is why I put my trust in Him.

So, new goal…instead of getting crazy this time, I want to find what is pleasing to the Lord in this process. I want to press on instead of getting distracted by my distractions. I want to understand why I fear and tremble before the power of my God who is going to amaze my husband and I, once again. More than anything, I don’t want to miss one moment of watching Him work.

I want to be faithful in the process, like He promises to be.

Are you in a situation that requires your faithfulness?

Father, thank you for being faithfulness so that I can rely on yours. Bring us to the place of uncertainty with all of the confidence that resides in you. Let us understand the process of Christianity, and its importance in relationship.

The Eternal Reassurance List

It doesn't exist. That is my word for today.

Luke 13:24 & 25, NRSV, “Strive to enter through the narrow door; for many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able. When once the owner of the house has got up and shut the door, and you begin to stand outside and to knock at the door, saying, ‘Lord, open to us,’ then in reply he will say to you, ‘I do not know where you come from.’”

I was reading this passage this morning and I disappointed myself. I found the question going through my head was, “Like how narrow are we talking about here?” There are some daily definites that I just don’t need. I don’t need to know how long I will have to wait in line at the bank or grocery store. I don’t even need to know if someone in my house will get sick today (We have had two dogs with tummy issues overnight…sleepy house today). Apparently, I would like to know if I am thinking to broadly about this door, however.

Since I got married in my 30s, I spent some time doing singles’ ministry discipleship beforehand. It was a lot of fun; but, let’s face it, one of the primary goals of the group was to graduate to the newly married class. One morning there was a free-for-all in Sunday School, although we don’t call it that anymore, do we? I still use the term Big Church, too. The topic was dating…

So, there we were, assured that no one would be judged for asking any question, and…bam. “How far is too far before marriage?” This is the question on a lot of singles’ minds. As the pastor stammered for an answer, a very wise guy stood up and asked why we would even ask this question.

See, the flaw in our logic is the very nature of the question. We want to know how to walk just far enough over “the obedience line” to say that we did it right. We want for Christ to say, “You can kiss, but no heavy petting”. I still don’t know what heavy petting means, exactly. I always picture my husband petting me heavily on the head. I don’t think that is it.

So, what about this narrow door? What are we expecting Christ to say? If you give 10%, that will cover that area. If you read your bible for 15 minutes and pray for 15 minutes that will cover that area. Oh, and make three out of four Sundays in a pew. Our task list could be renamed, “Eternal Reassurance List”. It would be magnificent. I would get my gold star stickers out and sleep well at night. It would also be predictable, stagnant and Pharisaical…things that our Savior is not.

You and I both know that this mentality has nothing to do with relationship. It has nothing to do with this narrow door. My husband would be so offended if I just made a checklist to get by in our marriage, even though it might be useful if he could tell me exactly what would fill him up to the brim everyday. I would get out my gold stars and rename my task list, “The Happy Marriage List”. I think that he deserves four home cooked meals per week, one clean bathroom and approximately 20 minutes of engaging conversation per night. But, that would never work in our home. It is my job to find out what he needs and meet those as best as I can. My husband is looking for authentic.

One of our pastors preached yesterday on this passage, Luke 9:23 & 24, NRSV, “Then he said to them all, “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will save it.” He made an interesting emphasis.

Every day we have to take up our cross, not The Cross. It is our assigned cross that only we can carry through this life. The deeper I get into relationship with Christ, the more I realize that my cross is wrapped in the way that I grew up and the influences that I experienced. It is the injustices and the concerns of my life, but it is not to be a burden to tote around in that form. My cross is then covered in the blood of Christ. All of these things that make up my cross are roads to refining me for eternity. They make up the narrow door that leads to my freedom.

There are points in my life where I could have really sweated a passage like this, but here is what I have found. The longer that I walk this road, the more Christ narrows my path. The temptations, trials and pleasures do not have the same texture to them. They seem different and my cross feels different. It gets less cumbersome the further I go. I am drawn to different things and repelled by new things. It is extraordinary when I realize that God is changing my very composition. I cannot do that, but He does. I literally am a new creation with new desires and contentedness. I can see that whenever I do face that door, He will have me just where He wants me.

Let’s desire His work in our life today.

Father, let us come before you as a blank slate. Make the changes that only you can make in order to prepare us for that narrow door. Thank you for your constant provision and care in this process.

Hearers and Doers

Don’t get side tracked. That is my word for today.

Luke 11:27 and 28, NRSV, “While he was saying this, a woman in the crowd raised her voice and said to him, “Blessed is the womb that bore you and the breasts that nursed you!” But he said, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it!”

I really love this woman. You can tell that she is one that makes good comfort food for all of the church potlucks. Her mind is thinking about how proud Mary must be of this boy. Mary is blessed for having done such a fine job in raising the Savior of the world (She has a southern accent in my head). As women, we can appreciate this train of thought. You go Mary!

Apply brakes here…Jesus, less amused probably, brings it back down to earth really quick. He actually corrects her publically and says, in a nut shell, ‘don’t get side tracked’. I am such a side tracker. I struggle to keep myself on point. I can walk across the house and do fifteen things, but forget why I went there in the first place. I return to my place of origin and start all over again. This can go on for hours, especially during a quiet time.

We can make our spirituality about so many things. How about, we can make it about how we feel about the commandments of God? These are easy distractions as women. We place our feelings in a role over scripture, kind of like some authority to check it against…very dangerous. These can be nuanced, so we really have to pray about these deceitful little boogers. I have seen some amazing justifications come from how, “I just don’t feel that God wants me to…”, even if it is required from everyone else. I have heard this applied to everything from prayer to living together, and marriage, especially marriage.

I have done my share of it, too. I am embarrassed to tell you the qualities that I have superimposed on God, because I feel like, “He would feel like I do, if He were here”. Psalm 50:21, NRSV, “These things you have done and I have been silent; you thought that I was one just like yourself. But now I rebuke you, and lay the charge before you.” Ouch…and He has rebuked me, more than once. Our feelings can be such a liability.

Here is a great one. We can make our spirituality about our quiet times with God. If women spent as much time with God as they did scheduling it in and/or feeling guilty about it, we would have a powerful presence in this world. I am in that group. Only with the onset of this blog are my quiet times do or die, same time every day and a similar process. I moved them around before, according to my schedule, and I have found that now I don’t worry about them at all. They have to happen before I write a word.

Jesus makes it really simple. He says to Proud Mama in those verses, ‘You are missing the point. Stay with me here. Don’t get side tracked.’ We are surrounded by ways to make our relationship with Christ about spirituality and not about Him. We can read books about Him and have small groups, but nothing is a substitute for hearing the word of God (since He is not physically present, we have to pick up those bibles, ladies) and doing what it says.

I gave these verses to the high school girls group as they went out on their own for the summer. James 1:22-25, NRSV, “But be doers of the word, and not merely hearers who deceive themselves. For if any are hearers of the word and not doers, they are like those who look at themselves in a mirror; for they look at themselves and, on going away, immediately forget what they were like. But those who look into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and persevere, being not hearers who forget but doers who act—they will be blessed in their doing.”

We are the greatest deceivers. We will look at the truth in the mirror for a while before we realize that we are in trouble. The inactivity of last year’s back surgery and the recovery through this year was fine for a while, but let me tell you that things have reached crisis mode in the mirror. My body does not look the same as it did before. I looked at it for a while, saying, “Hmmm. That is looking a little loose”. Then I had THAT DAY, when I realized that I have to do something about this. I could deny the truth no longer. My deceitful problem took place when I looked away from the mirror. I would simply resume eating my chocolate trifle. I did not want to do the strict workout thing/eating responsibly…and oh, how painful it is now. But we have to do it. There comes a point when you realize that you know the truth. I am the only one that can do anything about my dimply thighs!

I also am the only one that can decide that although obedience WILL mean that I will do things that I am not comfortable with, it is the word of God and I trust Him. I KNOW that it is true. My faith stands on the word of God. It is a non-negotiable. I do not have the right to pick and choose or to create my own agenda. It stands as is, without my help, without my brain, and without my feelings. I know that. So today when I look away from the mirror, what will I choose? Chocolate trifle or firmer thighs? Oh God, let me put down the trifle today! Will I choose to be a hearer only, or a doer, also? Don’t be deceived these are both questions of will. It might even be easier to set down the trifle. Let’s not get side tracked from obeying Him, today.

Father thank you for your grace filled faithfulness. Forgive us where we have ever stood in judgment of your word. Let us make firm decisions on obeying You and Your word today.

Praying Women...All Kinds

I tend to make things messy. The more of me that enters a situation, the more awkward things seem to be spiritually. Can I get a witness? I have said before that I am a nervous talker. There are no calm silences around me. My husband calls that my hostess voice because my pitch gets higher. I start to try to feed everyone, even if they don’t want it. I think that I certainly have done my part for the obesity epidemic in this nation. My understanding is that the more full people are, the happier they can be…probably my Texas up bringing.

So my natural tendency to fill the space, works against me in prayer. I talk about prayer a lot. I think that everyone knows that they need to do it…BUT, there is always a but, you are usually a fan or not. In theory, it is simple. It is based on something that we do even with complete strangers, talking. The difference is that we talk to people while doing dishes, eating, watching TV or checking email. We are rarely asked to sit, face-to-face and talk with anyone.

That would mean that two people are doing nothing for the advancement of something for a few moments. That would mean that children have to take those ear buds out for a second. (Side note: I went out to lunch with my husband and across the aisle was a teenage boy. He was wearing a baseball cap but kept fixing his hair to fall in his eyes perfectly, then adorning this creation again with the cap. To me, a waste of time, but it is the new thing, so whatever. Then when his parents came back from the bathroom, he put his ear buds back in and put his head down on the table. I could not help but stare because that is not his fault. His parents were sitting across from him…hmmm? I can only assume that they did not like him enough to talk to him. I digress.)

Ladies probably do this face-to-face business more than men do. Although, I have found that when I hang out with my friends it is seldom without a child running around. I usually have one ear of any mother. I believe that all women have this ability, though. This one eared nature works for us all day; and this one eared nature works to our detriment when quieting the mind. Matthew 22:37, NRSV, “He said to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’" This could be a sort of mantra as we lead ourselves into this prayer thing.

What kind of a praying woman are you?

There are some people that pray their list of demands to God. It is an interesting way to make a point. I am not sure if God is overly impressed with the business relationship that it implies. This is the person of limited time resources, who probably has a full plate and feels lucky to get these five minutes in each day.

I have been all types of prayer people and I am not refined by any means. In fact, I have really struggled in this area, sometimes even with the desire to do it. I can honestly say that this business mentality robs me of the joy of the presence of Christ. He wants for me to want to be with Him, and realizing this has changed my heart towards prayer. I find it hard to squeeze in this type of experience. I don’t know how mothers do it. Feel free to give tips.

Then there are some who desperately try, but can never slow it down and quiet themselves long enough to be aware with whom they are actually trying to dialogue. I just want to give them a hug and sit down to pray with them. This is a place that I have definitely camped. I treated prayer like a search and destroy mission just so they could be a part of the activity.

Then we do this funny thing of speeding up our minds because we are trying to slow it down. The longer it takes, the more frustrated we get. I usually leave for a second and come back to it when I have these days. I recently read something that I found really valuable. It put out the idea that sometimes God allows a little white noise to encourage your tenacity in prayer. Part of coming to this spiritual practice is the desire for Christ. These experiences can definitely demonstrate our desire.

I consider myself pretty moderate in prayer, although I guess it all depends on who you ask. I have fallen into the all day prayer approach. Since we are told to pray without ceasing, how can we get it all in, if we don’t? Every day is different for me. I sit before Him some days and it is very silent. I don’t try to drive the train anymore. I don’t start with talking.

Sometimes to get me in His presence, I simply say His name over and over, until I am aware with whom I am speaking. Until I understand that this ground is holy, and He is the Creator and I am His created. I pray for my husband and myself…very important to pray for yourself.

I ask Him to teach me how to be a wife. Who else can do that? I pray for the sick, the troubled and my family. I pray for what is brought to my mind during the day. When I am asked by others to pray for certain things, I usually pray on the spot. That way I don’t forget. I, also, pray with people when given the opportunity. A dear friend taught me that. I have found that nothing, not what I say, what I have prepared, what my time line appears to be, is as important as my actual presence, my heart, soul and mind.

Prayer brings to experience that it is He who lives in me. It is not me communing with the Father in prayer, placing my agenda before him, but God doing His work in me while the Spirit communes with Christ. If the goal is that I am taken out of the equation, then the real chit-chat should be the groaning of the Spirit, and my words are few and concise. Matthew 6:7 & 8, NRSV, “When you are praying, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do; for they think that they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him”.

The truth is that we really have very little to do with it. The Father has this one under control. That is so awesome isn’t it? So, let’s pray in the presence of the Lord.

Father, thank you for the gift of your Spirit. Thank you for giving us a way to know you so intimately. Give us the opportunity to commune with you today, through the groaning of Your Spirit. Give us greater understanding of the power of prayer.

Peter Knew It All Along

Matthew 17:4, NRSV, “Then Peter said to Jesus, “Lord, it is good for us to be here; if you wish, I will make three dwellings here, one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah.”

I will be perfectly honest; in the past, when I have heard about Peter’s reaction to the transfiguration, I thought, “this is not the time, Peter”. I have not given him much credit, but I think that I get it more than ever before. Let’s look at his story.

He is led up the mountain with James and John. It is like an exclusive boys club. They must have been proud as they walked away with the exclusive attention of Christ. There Christ was, walking in front of them, leading them on. They had no idea what was going on; how could they? So, they keep going. I wonder if Christ was thinking, “Oh, they are never going to believe this!”

Matthew just says that they were walking along…and then Christ was transfigured. His face shone like the sun. Now that is unusual, eh? Can you imagine standing in front of someone and their face begins to shine? You can’t look straight into the sun without physically hurting yourself. So we know that it was intense, and unlike any man made light that he had seen. Christ’s clothes began to dazzle. That will take your breath away.

So, not only that, but Moses and Elijah show up…yep, sort of a big deal. Think of the weirdest dream that you have ever had. Just add in, “and then Moses and Elijah showed up and started to chat it up with Jesus”.

I like to think that it was some supernatural encouragement meeting. Christ was starting to talk about what was coming and the heavenly realm was showing support. What can I say, Christ was human, we all need encouragement? I could be totally wrong. It is just a thought. So, Peter was watching the pillars of his faith talking to the man he had just proclaimed as the Messiah. Things are starting to match up for him here.

Peter can’t help himself…there he goes. He has to say what is on his mind, and no I am not going to say the fulfillment of the Feast of Tabernacles. I have no doubt that Peter is for real; he probably wants to stay there forever. Not only that, he wants company. He really wants to build a camping area with Jesus, Moses, Elijah. He is even willing to sleep outside.

Have you ever been in the presence of the Lord and thought, “This is it; I want nothing else. I want to go home”? You just want to stay with Him. The alternative is going back to being an imperfect role, the wife, the mom, the friend, the daughter. It is tough to go back to reality.

God knew that Peter was offering his services. He knew what was going on. He interrupted Peter’s fantasy with some poignant words. The point of the transfiguration was not to affirm the disciples. It was about Jesus. God took this as the second opportunity to publically substantiate Jesus’ position.

This is God’s Son. Christ is “the Beloved”; Christ is the first of the beloveds. God is pleased with Him. And now, for the command, and this IS for the disciples, you (the disciples) need to listen with your ears and your eyes! (This is a phrase that I have learned from children’s ministry.) This is the point in my prayer life that I know God is saying, “You are not useful to me on this mountain staring at my face.” If I stay there, I am willing to forsake all of God’s burdens for premature heaven. He simply says that it is time for me to go back. This is why constant communion with Christ is so important. It takes those moments and builds them into daily life. It can exist in the mother, the wife, the daughter and the friend. We can stare at His face down here in the low lands, too.

A situation that began with the exclusive attention of Christ, ended again with the exclusive attention of Christ. He picked up His friends off the ground and took them back down the mountain. Doesn’t it seem that all of the cool revelatory things happen on mountains? So, today I understand Peter better than I have before. The truth is, I would want to stay, too.

God, thank you for being a Savior that shines like the sun, as well as the one who reaches out a hand to pick us up when we are afraid. Thank you for bringing your truths to us through your word. Let us be deeply affected by what we understand as well as the mystery of your character.

Moving Forward

I have been feeling a bit restless lately. It is not overwhelming; I can say is that it has been an underlying emotion. It is kind of like a fly that keeps returning. It could be a concern for the future, in light of all that has happened this month. It is not worry. It is just a distant hum; do you know what I am talking about? It could be anything when we offer our lives to Jesus, right? I could be on my way to Ghana tomorrow.

There are some days when I wake up with a word from God in my mind. There are others where He gives it to me after I read scripture in the morning, and there are others still where He gives me something in prayer. Any way that it happens, I am happy. Today, I have only a question in response to my underlying currents. I thought that I would share it with you, and the scripture that His Spirit gave me.

I sat for a long time this morning in prayer. I wrote this in my journal. “He places in everything the will to advance, a hope for our future, a day of expectation. We know that there has to be more. As Christians, day-to-day we aspire to manifest Him. We long to be expressions of Him.” I believe that we are advancing, constantly progressing. It is the pattern of creation and all that He has made. We move forward; we should move intentionally. Accompanying this forward motion can be…restlessness.

To my restless spirit, he simply asked… “Where do you want to go?”

This is how I picture the scene. He is holding me. I am squirming because sometimes I act like I am two. I am “not using my words”. I am whining and kind of whimpering. So, He sets me down in front of Him and He looks at me and says (just like you would to a two year old), “where do you want to go?”

All that I could answer was, “nowhere”. I want to be alongside of Him. I don’t know why I am feeling this way right now. Any other will not have the hope for my future. Any other will be an imitation, a fraud. My restlessness could be purposeful. It is making me state that I want Jesus; I just want to be with Him. Or, it could be my feeble nature trying to push me to discontent. Either way, I will not be moved. I choose to stay at His side. That is my decision today.

We all make decisions every day, don’t we? Where do you want to go today?

Here is the scripture He gave me, Psalm 139,

⁷ Where can I go from your spirit?

Or where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I ascend to heaven, you are there;

if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there.

⁹ If I take the wings of the morning

and settle at the farthest limits of the sea,

¹⁰ even there your hand shall lead me,

and your right hand shall hold me fast.

¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,

and the light around me become night,”

¹² even the darkness is not dark to you;

the night is as bright as the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

Lamentation Meditation

Lamentations 3:22-24, NRSV,

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

“therefore I will hope in him.”

I do not deserve Him. He is steadfast. I can look back at so many times that I have not been steadfast, in fact, I am afraid that I would not even break half on a test. Steadfast. When I am confronted with gossip or when my pride has been wounded, I at least twinge. I desire to act; and all of my resources are calling upon the minions of heaven to keep me from falling. I am movable but He is steadfast, never flinching, never looking to the side, intentional, never ceasing.

I have been prideful in my life. I have refused to let the Lord love me. I struggle with believing that I am deserving of His love, but how I feel does not change who He is. His love never ceases. He will never stop pouring it out on me. It is the very spring from which all other things come. Discipline comes from love, trials come from love. He is jealously in love with me and my heart will find no other resting ground than in His hand. He has shown that His mercies will never come to an end. Believe me when I say, I have tried Him and tried Him. I have said, “yes” and “no”, so many times. Still He is merciful. I cannot understand it. His mercies never come to an end.

Each morning as I get up and I sit in my thinking chair praying and reading His word, I think about the fact that this morning is a clean slate. If I choose to carry yesterday’s accounts into this day, it is my decision. I can end yesterday and every day before that simply by repenting before the Lord. I can loose the people that I hold in bondage to me through forgiveness. I can set them at the foot of the cross for Jesus to work in their lives. I certainly cannot change anyone, nor do I want that responsibility, but I know that He can. He changed me. His mercy is new today, what will I do with it? I will know Him better. I will search the depths of Him through His Spirit. Pour it out on us, Lord.

Great is His faithfulness that He would tolerate me, stand with me, forgive me and love me. Great is His faithfulness that He would watch, as I have spun destruction on all sides of me, and then say, “Enough, my daughter, come and find peace in me”. I was faithless and I was treacherous. Great is His faithfulness as He grows a disciple, a woman, a wife and a home through me. Praise His name.

I was thinking today of when I am satisfied. The truth is I am never satisfied unless I am with the Lord. I am never satisfied with what I do, what I have or who I am. I am never satisfied with what anyone delivers or offers me. Without Him, I carry an insatiable void waiting to be filled by the nearest person or thing. I am only satisfied when I am on my knees, in his presence, offering to Him, existing with Him through my days. It is only then that I am able to walk in this world and know who I am, complete and able.

This is when I know that the Lord is my portion…my soul says it. My soul tells me what it needs. It tells me what will satisfy it. “The Lord is my portion”, says my soul. Oh, how sweet it is to hear that. Praise your name, Jesus.

I will hope in Him. How in these days and in these times I hope in Him. I depend on Him for my next breath in some moments. I hope in His steadfast love. I hope in His mercy. I hope in His faithfulness. He is my portion and my soul sings that truth. He is my hope.

Lord, God, for your own sake you have offered these gifts to us. Father, manifest these brightly in our lives today and always. Thank you for your goodness.

Attended to or Spewed Out

The last few days have been such serious topics, so I really didn’t know what today would bring. I sat in my official thinking chair in the backyard, in my robe and gloves, and seriously pondered my expectation for my quiet time.

Then, I started thinking about what the neighbors would think if, on any given morning, they peeked over the fence and saw this pensive creature with a fluffy robe, crazy hair, coffee in hand, and bible on lap. Maybe they would say something like, “what a lucky husband you have”. Then I would say something like, “Get off my fence and back where you belong; btw, do you have a church home?” All of the scenarios were making me laugh.

Realizing that I was a mental nomad, I went, seriously, back to my quiet time. God led me to Jonah this morning. Let’s face it, the story is hysterical. I can see myself in every moment of that book, running, saying throw me over the side boys, giving up, obeying, whining, and being disciplined.

During all of this, Tess, my dog, was chasing bugs…very seriously, might I add. I don’t think that she has every caught anything that she has hunted, which makes her that much more endearing. The only thing that she ever killed was a fly, which she nose-butted against the kitchen door. I think that she was trying to bite it but misjudged the distance. I have never killed anything with my nose; I can only imagine the sense of accomplishment that it would bring.

So, thinking about all of these things…I returned to Jonah…ever so seriously. I started thinking about how funny it would be to tell the story from the appointed bush’s perspective. Again…mental nomad, I finally just said, “God, are you smiling?” See, too many things had worked against my attempts at stoic religiosity, and as Jonah shows us, you can run but God is going to set the tone. So, I enjoyed Him this morning…as per His request.

He shared with me the idea of deliverance. After talking about the temptations of Christ, and His amazing example of endurance and the final deliverance that comes when the angels care for Him, I reveled in the victory of my Lord. I was so glad that He could finally experience peace away from the evil one. Jonah had deliverance, also. Each of these represent two ends of the spectrum of deliverance.

Christ’s deliverance was wonderful, Matthew 4: 11, NRSV, “Then the devil left him, and suddenly angels came and waited on him.” I can just imagine the angels caring for Jesus, refreshing and renewing Him so that He could continue His ministry. I see a glass of sweet tea and palm fronds…a little R&R before He set out again. I have felt like this. During the period of my surgery last year, I knew what it was like to have nothing of myself left. I was exhausted. The immediate relief of pain that I felt with the surgery, and the care given by my husband, mom and dad, were like angels coming to my side and filling my mouth with every kind of pie imaginable.

I have also felt the deliverance of Jonah in chapter 2. Verse 9 and 10 say, “But I with the voice of thanksgiving will sacrifice to you; what I have vowed I will pay. Deliverance belongs to the Lord!” Then the Lord spoke to the fish, and it spewed Jonah out upon the dry land.”

I have spoken the words of thanksgiving and continued allegiance in the midst of trial. I have offered my sacrifices at His throne of grace; and I have claimed His deliverance and offered it back to Him. And then…just like Jonah, there was sort of a hiccup, and I felt like I had been spewed out rather than attended to. Deliverance is a funny thing. We don’t always feel victorious, sometimes we feel a little beat up, and sometimes we feel spewed out. We are none-the-less delivered.

At the end of a week, we can feel more like Jonah after the belly incident. I pray that you are delivered and that no matter how you feel about it, you know the one who gave you the strength.

Lord, we thank you for delivering from temptations and this world. We thank you for showing us all of you, the serious and the funny. Give us strength for the week to come, attend to us, Father.