Are You Suffering? Have You Suffered?

When the day of Pentecost had come, they were all together in one place. And suddenly from heaven there came a sound like the rush of a violent wind, and it filled the entire house where they were sitting. Divided tongues, as of fire, appeared among them, and a tongue rested on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other languages, as the Spirit gave them ability.

Now there were devout Jews from every nation under heaven living in Jerusalem. And at this sound the crowd gathered and was bewildered, because each one heard them speaking in the native language of each. Amazed and astonished, they asked, “Are not all these who are speaking Galileans? And how is it that we hear, each of us, in our own native language? -Acts 2:1-8, NRSV

Now, erase every word you have ever heard on these verses.

Think of this as a picture. All of us in one place, and the rush of violent wind surrounding us. Between us, above us, around us, tongues that look like dancing fire, searching for their keeper. On each of our shoulders, a new, linguistic identity rests.

We speak these new words. We experience them in our heads, hearts, rolling off of our tongue. These are the words appointed to us. We are given the ability to speak them and share them.

As I sat on the couch one day, this picture came to me so clearly. I had just received a phone call from another friend seeking to console me. My husband and I had, what I will call, a “life event” early this month. I know you also have these life events, too.

My friend did not know what happened to us, but comforted me as I revealed my absence from blogging. As her concern and kind words rolled over me, I heard her say, “I am experiencing a season of suffering, also”. Divine appointment revealed.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all consolation, who consoles us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to console those who are in any affliction with the consolation with which we ourselves are consoled by God. -2 Corinthians 1:3 & 4, NRSV.

As she revealed her story, my heart broke for my old friend. Our situations were completely dissimilar, but I understood the intensity of each word. I understood the language that breaks through condition, preference, lifestyle, and choice.

This month, I have found the common language of suffering that rests on all of us at some point.

We all speak a strain of suffering. We have our own brand, our own dialect, on which we lay claim. The most important thing to remember is that while our experience looks, smells, feels different from our sisters, our suffering and consolation are more similar. They are purposeful, crafted, directional. They begin, rest in, and end with the Father.

We all have the ability to understand this language.

I wish that I could bring all of you who have stood with me into a room and take turns hugging and feeding you. (That is intimacy where I come from.) What a gift that not one of you withheld prayer or words from me. You have taught me and healed me in so many ways.

When suffering is spoken, hearts unfold, reach out, lock each other in a hedge of protection, and forever become the object of mutual consolation. That is my experience.

If you are suffering, or even simply struggling, I encourage you to trust your sisters with that sacred biblical task of caring for you. It is a privilege to walk through trials appointed to us, together. Email me and I will be overjoyed to intercede for you.

If you have come through a time of suffering, reach out to another who needs consolation. Remember those who stood around you in your suffering, and extend that same love to someone else.

I have thanked all of you for this last month, but I will do it again. Thank you for your patience, your words, your prayers, your comments, your love and your hearts. I have rested in each of them.

Out of Suffering and Into Healing

Yesterday, at church, I sat down in front of a friend of mine. I turned to her and said, “When you are suffering, isn’t this the hardest place to be? Here, everyone knows your business.” She and I started talking this common language of suffering. What a relief to hear another heart that hurt.

I didn’t have to pretend. I didn’t have to excuse myself. I didn’t have to worry if I seemed too happy.

I have been suffering. This is a wonderful biblical term that can include anything from dealing with difficult relationships, to the death of loved one, to physical illness, to persecution.

Mine is a specific brand of suffering known to many women. I have cleared my schedule and dealt with this at the feet of my Hope, My Restorer. Closer than my breath, He has stayed near, leading me into healing.

Jesus is the only one who can heal emotional wounds. That is so humbling.

True mourning and true healing is a process unfamiliar to me, but how grateful I am to bend under it.

I know that some day I will write and write about it, but for now it is still an active process.

Thank you to those of you who have written me, or spoken with me. In this world of blogging, it is refreshing to be reminded that this is about relationships. Real relationships. Your notes meant so much to me.

I am really looking forward to catching up on everyone’s blogs. If you have done something fun in the last couple of weeks that I can’t miss, please, leave me a comment.

Also, the May edition of Exemplify Magazine is out! The theme of this month is faithfulness. I learned so much while writing that article, so be sure to pop over if you have the chance. It is always an encouragement to me.

Hard Times Bring Broad Places

“...and have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place.” - Psalm 31:8, NRSV

A couple of years ago, I had back surgery. Aside from all of the uncomfortable things that back surgery brings, I had to deal with the most crushing. Comfortable shoes and cute shoes rarely go together. Oh, the misery at making this discovery.

Don’t get me wrong. I was so grateful to walk that I didn’t care about the details. I would have worn trash bags if I thought it would help.

I remember how pleased I was to hold on to the treadmill bars and walk at 1.0 (that’s right, a sixty.minute.mile), with a handler watching. I wore functional shoes without laces (I couldn’t reach my feet to tie shoes). I wasn’t impressing; I just wanted to know that my foot was on the ground and it was staying there.

Getting through all of this has made me understand the value of a broad, clear place. At no time in the last two years have I worked my stilettos on a runway. I have not worried about how my calves look. I simply put one foot in front of the other. I find security in broad places and flat ground, with frumpy shoes.

I would say that became the landscape of my spiritual life, as well. I am more comfortable here, in a broad place. It has a wonderful, easy feel.

There are events that we experience which set a new pace for our life. We can either fight them or roll with them. We can fall into step with Him, or try to create our own rhythm. I have tried about every rhythm that exists, I don’t recommend it.

In a broad place, I see the hands of God reaching out. I see events happen without explanation. I see love and lives touched. I might have been too busy before the surgery. I feel that I can see Him better and hear Him clearer now.

I had to go through that horrible time, to get to the broad place.

I rejoice in this place. When the enemy pursues me, I can find comfort. I usually don’t have to untangle myself from the mess of the world to find my running shoes on solid ground. In this broad place I know who I am. I can see the One who set me there.

I like it here. I think I will stay.

Do you have events that re-paced your life? Did they put you in the broad places?


My Backiversary

Psalm 107:2, “Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, those he redeemed from trouble”.

I feel that today would not be complete without marking the miracle that happened to me a year ago. It was the day that I collapsed. That is really the best way to explain it. I was standing and then I couldn’t. My legs finally gave out from this new shooting pain caused by the swelling of my spinal cord. My nerves were being strangled out. It was the day that we scheduled my back surgery.

I had been reading Job, mainly for the need of a fellow sufferer. I had seen all kinds of faces, sympathy, discomfort, fear…but I wanted to see someone who could speak my words for me through the nights. As I literally groaned through hours of darkness, he was my companion.

Job said, “Why is light given to one who cannot see the way, whom God has fenced in? For my sighing comes like my bread, and my groanings are poured out like water. Truly the thing that I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me. I am not at ease, nor am I quiet; I have no rest; but trouble comes (Job 3:23-26, NRSV).”

I do find it interesting to see the change in Job as the book progresses. As his wealth and children were taken away, he makes simple statements of blessing to God in chapter 1. As the physical attack wears on, and some would say that his friends didn’t help, Job grows weary. Trouble makes us weary. Affliction makes us weary. In spite of this, Job keeps talking to God, pleading His case. I am convinced that is what kept me talking night after night.

There is a point in our Christian walk that we have to really look at God’s word and take it for face value. The people that God chose were not affliction free. I was reading about Paul in Acts, this morning. He was a roving affliction magnet. That is what we signed up for.

I, also, remember reading Job 6:17-19, NRSV, “What are human beings, that you make so much of them, that you set your mind on them, visit them every morning, test them every moment? Will you not look away from me for a while, let me alone until I swallow my spittle?”…Essentially, “Can you just leave me alone for a little while? I need some rest from this.” The answer is always, “No”. God allows affliction and God glorifies Himself as the result of it.

In affliction, there always comes a point which you long for relief. You just want a break. I saw the affliction of Job. I knew that God had allowed it, literally given permission for it. Job 7:3, NRSV, “so I am allotted months of emptiness, and nights of misery are apportioned to me.”

You and I are allotted months of emptiness and nights of misery, whatever that will look like for us. God is accomplishing His purpose in the world and refining us for heaven. Sometimes these lessons carry more weight and more dark nights than we can imagine. In the midst of it, God is still good, and above all He is still merciful.

Jesus showed me why He would not leave me alone when I was on the bathroom floor. He was about to reveal His power to me.

It was several hours after I had collapsed. I was still in the same spot. I remember that I could barely breathe and when I would whimper, shots of pain would electrify my body. I saw the rest of my life happening right there, next to the toilet. My husband stood over me, helpless.

Then, it was like the room just got still. I was overwhelmed in an instant with who God is. Jesus was there with me, powerful, in that room. He is Creator, Redeemer, Steadfast, Sovereign, Emmanuel, and big. I just started thinking about the promises that Jesus made to the disciples. They could move mountains with enough faith, even faith the size of a mustard seed.

I don’t think that my mantra started loud, but it got that way. I just started saying, “Jesus, raise me up; Raise me up, Jesus”. I got up, propping myself on everything I could touch, especially my husband, and made it, not prettily however, to my mattress on the floor. This was only a few steps, but I knew that I had just experienced the hand of God lifting me to rest.

Trouble comes in many forms. You might have physical or financial or relational trouble. It might keep you up at night, making you tired and hopeless. You probably know if you are in those appointed nights of emptiness and misery; they are hard to miss.

At the very worst, we have to remember that this is all about Him. What is the purpose that He has for us? What are we going to take away from these moments on the bathroom floor, when we ask questions like, “Can you just leave me alone for a while? Can you send Satan away so that I can breathe for a minute?” The answer is no. It is for His purpose and He will not let go. He wants to show us His power.

So, I celebrate today. I know Him in a new powerful way. My life has not been the same since that day. In fact, I am going to clean that bathroom floor today, because my mother is coming to visit. A year ago, I was stuck on that floor and today I am cleaning it! Hallelujah! He is glorified through my affliction.

Father, thank you for our afflictions. Thank you for not leaving us for one moment. Thank you for the healing that you have given me. Teach us how to worship you through our appointed emptiness and misery.

A Man Who Made Me Think

I had the privilege of meeting a man in a doctor’s office last week. He came in, very humbly, asking for the use of a microwave. He could be the most polite person that I have come across lately. I had seen him on my way into the building. He was napping on a bench outside in a light rain. He was homeless.

My dad was checking out when he came in, so I was largely useless at that point. Immediately, there was that uncomfortable silence that happens when our norm is challenged. No one wanted to look at the door where this man was standing for fear of solicitation…perhaps, for fear of shame. I couldn’t stand the tension, so I struck up a conversation with him.

I did not have time to find out much, but I know this. He didn’t mind the rain and the clouds because it shielded him from the sun for a while. He loved being back home from all the places that life had taken him, and he was a patriot. He loves the USA. That is where he belongs and he is happy right where he is.

I have been reading John 15 this weekend. I don’t usually get stuck, but indeed, it took me a whole day to digest vs. 1-11. Verse 4, says, “Abide in me as I abide in you. Just as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in me.”

The thing about abiding is that it is symbiotic. One feeds the other. The more we abide, the more we are able to abide. Abide means to remain stable or fixed in a state, or to continue in a place. When I met this man in the doctor’s office, I realized that at any station of life one can abide. We choose to abide in a lot of things, also. I have chosen to abide in sinful patterns at certain times in my life. This man abides in the idealism of home. We can abide in many things.

He was content as he told me how much better life is now. I did not have time to ask him about his experience away from home, but it was clear that wherever he went, home was better. Abiding here, in this current state, is better.

This is my testimony, also. His story reminded me that the places I have gone make it clear that abiding in Jesus is better. I have been through times of which I am not proud. I have been in places that I never thought I would go. It is because of my experience, the places that I know I can take myself, that I say this vine is the best. This is where I want to be, to continue.

We face obstacles in abiding. This week I have had company, my dishwasher broke, my dog started having anxiety problems, and I caught a cold. These are our like our travel agents. Instead of helping us abide, they are planning our next trip far away from the vine. These little nuisances are the every day experience and these can take us away from the vine faster than any other thing.

With the help of travel agents, abiding is not passive. It is an active endurance. We say things like, “If I will just abide”. I would suggest that abiding is the most difficult thing that we do. To remain stable…as women we have hormones and homes that make this an ongoing chore. Our challenge, and I do believe that it is a challenge, is to continue in one place while the scenery changes. It is like sitting on a train in the same seat while riding across the United States. You will see the spectrum of scenery, events and people, but you remain in the same seat. This is our vantage point, our place in the vine where we experience life.

Every day brings trouble of its own, right? So, we need to learn this skill of abiding, being constant, and being stable. We have to ride through life with its changing scenery, identifying the vine and burying our branch roots there.

Father, thank you for grafting us into your vine. We pray that you would give us the endurance to abide in you. Give us the strength and grace to endure daily distractions and temptations so that we can stay fixed in your presence.

One Year Ago

Psalm 119:71 & 72 (NRSV), is on my bulletin board. It says, “It is good for me that I was humbled, so that I might learn your statutes. The law of your mouth is better to me than thousands of gold and silver pieces.”

I have this up as a reminder to me.

A year ago marks one night in a series of the longest nights of my life. Only days before I had told my husband that I could no longer go in public. I could not sit any longer without extreme pain, which meant driving was out of the question. Unbeknownst to us, we were only four weeks away from back surgery. My “injury”, which was basically waking up one day with my pelvis about three inches to the right of its normal home, had happened in March. I was on a steady decline.

What I can say about my experience…I was humbled. I needed it. I had been in seminary for almost four years and had never read scripture from such a distant viewpoint. I was a good student and, yet, I would characterize my experience as “getting by”. It was, as though, the only way that I could finish this period of my life was to make it a task.

The problem with this strategy was the intent of seminary. From the beginning, I had understood my seminary career as an intensive. It was a set time for me to sit at the Lord’s feet and share in a much greater dialogue than I could conjure up on my own. It was a time for me to understand the burdens of Jesus in an invasive way. That happened on a good day.

Life certainly did not help. Some highlights…during seminary my dad faced health problems of which I became a primary caregiver, I started dating my husband, got a six month thyroid virus which did crazy things to me, I got engaged and married, and I graduated one week before this night a year ago. It was a time of constant trial. Sometimes, it was just easier to go cerebral so my heart could endure the rest of my life. I withdrew.

Let me tell you about the pain on this night a year ago. It was excruciating. I have never known anything as cruel as that. I slept on a mattress on the floor of our bedroom. I could no longer sleep in our newly married bed. As the hours ticked away, it was as though my nerves and muscles wanted to scream, and finally could no longer contain themselves. I would lie over an exercise ball for hours during the night, praying that maybe I could just sleep there. Eventually, these were the good days, when I could still get on an exercise ball. For the last month, I simply crawled to the bathroom, often crying. I dreaded this necessary function because the pain of sitting down was unbearable.

But on this night, I made a deal with my husband, one more sleepless night and I go to the emergency room. This night I realized that tomorrow was that day. I was actually comforted in the possibility of it. Pain and fatigue are crushing companions. The next day, I was in the emergency room as they gave me a shot of souped-up morphine and prescriptions, neither of which accomplished anything. My sleepless nights went on for three more weeks.

Let me tell you about the Spirit on these nights a year ago. Luke 3:8 (NRSV), “The wind blows where it chooses, and you hear the sound of it, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit.” Maybe it was from being awake all of those hours, with nothing that mattered but questions like, “Will I walk?” I started to wake up on the inside. My body and my voice did not work. All of my accomplishments and the many dialogues that I had witnessed were inconsequential. I was meeting the Spirit during these many appointed hours. I had accepted the Spirit when I was nine, but had never known its capacity for unruliness and adventure.

I started to see the world in spiritual terms. I saw the evil that existed and I finally commiserated with those who had solicited my heartfelt compassion. I cried for myself and I cried for the condition of humanity. I understood “fallen”, literally and figuratively. My life, my world, and my condition had all fallen. I was brought to nothing but this strange movement, this unpredictable wind that was blowing in my soul.

I heard an incessant chant in my mind, “God, this is for your glory and no matter what happens I know you will use this for your glory.” Finally, this could no longer stay inside. When the pain was at its worst that is what came out. I heard my voice, but it surely was not mine. I was in pain. I was surviving. On the inside, though, tornadoes of the Spirit were touching down and destroying strongholds, entire cities populated with my fears and shame were facing desolation. I was being recreated under the stress of chaos. This new comfort, this new friend that I had asked to indwell so long ago had been released in my weakness and was claiming lost ground. Hallelujah.

I left this experience as a completely new person. It was the most painful of my life, but I was lost deep within the winds of my Spirit. I would not change it, I would not trade it, and I would not miss it. It was good for me. The Spirit spoke the statutes of the Lord to me. The law of God was etched on my heart and I celebrated its fulfillment in my Savior. I was humbled…what a gift!

I encourage you, whatever your struggle is today. May the Spirit comfort you.

Father, thank you for those times, in our lives, that are painful but real. They bring us into your side and recreate us. Whatever we face today Lord, we thank you because we know that not one moment of this life is wasted. Let us glorify you today with our experiences.