Five Years And We Are Still Dating

I guess that everything started right here.

My friends told me that it was time to make a decision and, after three months of deliberation, I was ready to admit that I liked Dwight. Some people speed their way into a romance, but mine was more like crawling through sand. I was sure of one thing, though; I was ready to make that man my very own.

I was not, however, ready for a boring love story; and, that is how we ended up on the rim of the Grand Canyon at dawn.

One could say that I took matters into my own hands. I decided that I “had” to see the sunrise over the Grand Canyon and I “had” to do this with Dwight, Mindy (Dwight’s dog), and my best friend from college.

We drove up late the night before and camped out until the following morning. The four of us enjoyed a late night screening of Switch, cat naps, and a catastrophic morning brew of coffee.

Truth...Dwight and wandered away sometime in the middle of the night and on the very spot of this picture, we had our first kiss.

From this, I know that it is dark, cold and windy on the rim of the Grand Canyon in the early am. I was grateful that we did not slip to our demise, but I was even more grateful that I remembered what I was doing. I won’t lie, I was SOOO nervous.

We kissed for the first time on Independence Day and we were married on Veterans Day, the following year. Patriotism takes on a whole new light in our marriage.

When Fierce Love No Longer Works In A Family

I have been asked to write about family several times, but each time I chicken out. My family reads this...my mom, my sister, my mother in-law, my aunt-in-law (love your emails, Aunt Connie!). I am sure that many of you know what I am saying. Some life lessons, you can’t just put out there if it could hurt other people.

So, my disclaimer to this post is that it does not concern any of these family members. In fact, this post is about anyone who has an object of fierce love, especially the kind we assign to family members.

Fierce love is different from other kinds of love. Fierce love is what happens when someone talks about your sister. You can talk about your sister, but that privilege does not extend past you.

Fierce love is willful.

Fierce love is disappointing.

Fierce love aggressively invades your life and their life.

To test what kind of love I have for these individuals who hang on to my prayer list with sighs and head shaking, I have decided to check myself with this verse...

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, NRSV

If I am honest, I have fallen into fierce love which is a twisted earthly ambassador of its pure inventor. I find that I am not bearing anything well, or believing that they will ever change. I lost my hope with trying, and I cannot think of enduring in this state forever. Sound familiar?

I am finding that fierce love is what makes my sister mine to love, mine to fix. We are bonded in a way that no one else can understand, and I have the right to feel territorial. It should not be a surprise when one of these objects of fierce love becomes the reminder of where we end. Oh, what a difficult day that can be!

I was talking with someone recently who said she was done. She could not put her heart into her family problems anymore. It left her empty and the drama left her tired. I know what she means.

Then I realized that this is a moment of hope, not defeat. I just kept hearing, “Good, you end here.” It is good that we end. It is good that we understand that God is in the places that we cannot go. We are not capable of changing, enlightening, altering, or loving someone into submission, or (my favorite) reality. We end in defeat and He begins in power.

Have you ever been there? Have you invested yourself in a person who just can’t seem to get it together? They bring you the greatest hope and follow it with the greatest defeat. Always hand in hand, this roller coaster makes you want to say, “Enough, if I don’t get off now I am going to be sick!” That is exactly how fierce loves affect us. We want to ride with them until we realize that they are the only ones enjoying themselves, or we are going to, physically, throw each other off this ride.

We have to make a conscious decision to get off this roller coaster.

What a moment of trust that it takes when we look at God and admit that this object of our fierce love has remained that way out of our pride, our ego, our last name. We have not turned this person over completely to Him because somehow we believe that God honors our vested interest and our shed tears. How many tears has He cried over our family members?

So, there is an end. At this end, we know that the only thing that we can do is pray. Why? Because this is when we claim His power. We trust that He will, not can but will, do infinitely more.

He will do it because He loves them more than we can imagine, more than fierce love.

Have you fallen fiercely in love?

The Tale of A Dopey Engagement

I remember it like it was yesterday, sort of. To say that about myself means that I have a foggy, out of order recollection with a strong emotional attachment to the event. My memory might not work right but, yesterday, as I celebrated the day that I was engaged to my sweetheart four years ago, I gathered every precious detail I could recall.

Post-engagement trip to Maui with my family

I had dental work that morning, which required pre-medication. By the time that DK (my now husband) showed up to take me to the dentist, I was dopey girl. I remember that he had a sport jacket on and he kept patting his pocket. I found out that he was patting the money that he had saved for my ring.

Mind you, this was March 7th, and he asked my dad in January. There was a little wait time involved. I won’t lie, I thought about it occasionally.

He kissed me good-bye at the doctor’s office. This was no little appointment. If I remember correctly, I was there for five hours, so DK had plenty of time on his own.

I have to fast forward because any details from the procedure are painful and inconsequential. I do remember that upon waking up everyone was super chipper. They told me that DK was there, and how great he looked. It was a little over the top, even in my stupor.

I didn’t know that DK had been showing them the ring that he just got me. That’s right, my dentist knew first. DK was also bragging about his romantic plans for a proposal. No wonder they were so excited. I felt like I was being left out of a joke by the time I reached the lobby. They told me to get some sugar in my system and, gratefully, I slid to the car.

Upon reaching it, DK opened the back door of the drivers side to reveal a jewelry bag. I remember talk about said jewelry bag and what he had been up to, but those details are fuzzy. I was slowly waking up.

We got to the gelato parking lot (this was my interpretation of the prescribed sugar), and I had to know what was in the bag. Not fair to tease about jewelry, am I right? He was all too ready, and I practically begged him to ask me. He took it out, and in the front seat of my car, he proposed. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “Would you be my wife?”

Pause...

This would be a good time to explain my response. I had just had five hours of dental work, meds, gas and shots...lots of shots. Nothing in a six inch radius of my mouth was working. I looked like I had mono. It wasn’t pretty.

So, when my handsome boyfriend looked in my eyes and said those magic words, I simply grunted, “Eth”. How romantic. I had my proposal and I said, “Eth”. I shook my head to make sure there was no confusion.

So, it wasn’t what we had dreamed of but it did the job. I love that he just couldn’t wait. That is sweetly romantic. I do love that man!

Just Eleven Reasons For Love

Just eleven reasons why I love my husband on Valentine’s Day:

He watches whatever I want on TV.

He is a great cook.

When he prays, I know that God hears.

He is the funniest person that I have ever known.

He doesn’t take any of my flack, which is hotter than one might think.

He believes in me more than I believe in me.

I am safe with him.

He is the handiest guy I have ever seen. There is no limit to what he can build or fix...also, hot.

He baby-talks Tess in the dialect that I created. This does not affect his manhood at all.

He offers to refill my water, even if he is not going to the kitchen.

The way to his heart is through his stomach, which is why I cooked this, this, and this to go with the bbq pulled pork sliders, for V-day weekend. This meant that we did not have to battle the crowds...and he didn't mind at all.

I could write a hundred things, but they all point to the same thing. He is my perfect Valentine!

Love, Knowledge and Insight...Oh My

We have been talking about Philippians in church lately. Actually, we have been talking about something else in Philippians, not what I am writing about. Sometimes, when I am sitting in church, I read a scripture and mark it for later. Does anyone else do mini bible searches in church? We sit in the front, too, so it is probably a bad idea.

This was the case with Philippians 1:9 & 10, NRSV, "And this is my prayer, that your love may overflow more and more with knowledge and full insight to help you determine what is best, so that in the day of Christ you may be pure and blameless."

I have wrestled with this verse because I have to. If you tell me that there is a possibility to determine the best thing to do, I will do everything that I can to figure it out. That is the A-type, need a gold star mentality. There are a lot of words before, "to help you determine what is best". The key ones that I see are love, knowledge and full insight. A-types dread these words because they can be subjective.

So, I go further in hoping for a flow chart. If it is true that love is a tool for proper perspective, then I need that. I see simple math...love increases with knowledge and full insight. So, if I do not love then knowledge and full insight will decrease.

This makes sense. When my husband and I were dating, I had a lot of incentive to get to know him. He was cute...I mean he IS really cute! So, aside from that, he liked me. I had been without a date for two years, and was not looking. I did find myself looking at him when he would walk in a room, however. I might have not loved him, yet, but I wanted to know everything about him.

I wanted to know what he liked and what he disliked.

I wanted to know if he ever shaved that soul patch off.

I wanted to know if he looked just as cute without his glasses.

I wanted to know the way that he spoke to his mother.

I wanted to know if he would like my cooking.

I wanted to know why he didn't turn down the air conditioning more at his house.

You get the picture. I wanted full insight into his life, into his head...and into his heart, eventually.

The more I knew, the more I liked; the more I liked, the closer I was to love. We naturally want to know more about the things that are in our hearts.

I see the connection between knowledge/insight and love, but I need a clarifying verse to really sink into this material. If love goes into hyperdrive with all of this knowledge and insight, then how do I get them?

I found it in Proverbs 2:3-5, NRSV, "if you indeed cry out for insight, and raise your voice for understanding; if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures - then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God."

To know what is best, not just for today but for every day until my eyes see His face, requires an infatuation kind of love for Christ. It will grow deep and wide, as I know more and love more. As intimidating as it sounds on its own, it comes so naturally to us to pursue the things that we love, to which we are attracted. In this state, we are willing to cry out, ask those questions for more understanding, and search it out like a hidden treasure.

Happy searching, ladies!

The Best Day Ever, Three Years Ago

Wanna' know what I was doing three years ago, today?

Here is a hint...

I just love this man! Happy Anniversary, babe.

See you tomorrow...I have things to celebrate, today.

I Was At The End of My Rope, Too

But if you will not listen,

my soul will weep in secret for your pride;

my eyes will weep bitterly and run down with tears,

because the Lord’s flock has been taken captive. – Jeremiah 13:17, NRSV

Sometimes, Christians make mistakes. Often, I do.

A friend of mine has been struggling under a situation for several years. I have been hurt over it, I have been angry about it, I have done the brain roll, I have cautioned her, I have listened to her, and I have prayed over her. The situation has not changed.

What do we do when people that we love are walking away from truth?

Years ago, I was engaged to a man, not my husband. I had walked away from the church and anything that I once believed hung by a thread. I had created a religious amalgam from all of my philosophical preferences. It could hardly be called spiritual, considering that it was all about me, although I would have claimed that I was spiritual.

The engagement was a mistake. It was blatantly disobedient to God’s word. In the middle of it, I rejected all wisdom. Apparently, I was so bold about it that friends and family did not question my behavior. No one said, “Hey, this isn’t the best for you”. No one.

I will be honest. In retrospect, I am most sad that no one acted on my behalf. I would like to think that people were weeping for my sin, desiring to intervene. I just don’t know that they were. How could anyone assume that I was actually happy in the middle of blatant sin? This has given me a heart for women in this position. God has sent many in my path. I find our stories similar.

The irony is that my sadness over my own situation has not changed my behavior toward my friend. I would like to say that I have wept for the sin of my friend frequently, but I have not. I would say that once or twice I have been that true of a friend.

For me, there was Paige, my Jeremiah. She actually worked for me. I still can weep from gratitude that she was sent into my life. In the midst of complete turmoil, she nudged me back. She never condemned me, but by watching her compassion and her own struggles, I was reintroduced to God’s character. She told me that she would pray for me. She was a drink of water in the barren desert.

I don’t know what she did in private, how she asked God to restore my life, but He did. Now, I am in this situation with my friend. I don’t want to hold the same assumptions that others held about me. I know, intimately, the sound of truth against a broken life. When I compared Paige’s words to my life, I could define my hopelessness. I know that heaven began preparations for my return in these moments.

For my friend I want peace, God’s love, happiness, a hope, and a future.

For Paige, I will give all the jewels in my crown and anything else she wants.

For myself, I want the heart of Jeremiah.

How do you react to a friend who is walking away from the truth?

We Do Not Have Satellite Ears

I was watching a fun new show on NBC, called Community, this weekend. That would be the birthday weekend in which I turned 35, and ate massive amounts of cake.

I celebrated my birthday with my husband. He cooked all weekend, gave me gifts, and let me give myself a mani/pedi, start-to-finish, sans interruption. It was incredible.

Community is actually scheduled on Thursday nights after The Office. We are DVR people, though. So, if it gets watched, it happens without commercials and at our convenience. This being said, we sat in bed and caught up on DVR shows to really spoil me.

This week’s show was called, Social Psychology. It was about building relationships through gossip. It might sound harsh, but at one time or another we have all listened to some unkind word when getting to know someone. Perhaps we giggled, instead of defending or not reacting at all. I know that I have done it.

I like the take home message. You might find yourself in this one, too.

The show was also about getting caught, which is the worst part of talking about someone. I have done that, too. Getting caught is the best way to break oneself of gossiping!

Side note: I found out that one of the main characters, Yvette Nicole Brown or Shirley Bennet as she is called on the show, is involved with The Revolve Tour. The Revolve Tour is Women of Faith’s conference for high school girls. Small world, eh?

She was one of the main gossipers in this week’s show and it tickled me even more from the perspective of a Christian woman. Here is the link to Social Psychology (click on this green title), if you have time.

Everyone was dealing with gossip in their own way, mostly perpetuating it, but Chevy Chase or Pierce Hawthorne on the show, had an interesting take. He got an ear satellite to wear around, making it possible to hear everyone’s conversations.

At the end of the show, he throws it away. He explains, “See, Jeff, there are certain things that man was not meant to hear. We are designed by, whatever entity you choose, to hear what’s in this range (motioning immediately in front of him) and really this range alone. ‘Cause you know who’s talking to us in this range? The people we love.”

Ok, Pierce is a little shallow, but he couldn’t speak truer words. God made us to hear the words in front of us; and, if we were supposed to listen to all the peripheral garbage then we would have satellite ears.

I don’t usually leave posts like this, but this struck me. I believe that we have a practical God, a practical Creator. He is not bound by practicality, but we are made to function perfectly in His world, and so are our ears.

There are two things that can happen with our perfectly practical sense of hearing. We are made to hear words of love. So, if you love the people in this region (motioning immediately in front of me), then tell them. Hearing works both ways.

The second option that you have is withholding these words.

I have some dear friends who have experienced a great loss this weekend. I can say that they never withhold. It is such a gift to know them and be enveloped in their lives. You always know what you mean to them because they are quick to leave that in the region immediately in front of you.

We have spoken, often, about having no regrets. When you gush (one of my new useful words) love on each other, you never have a thing to regret. We are made to hear the gushing, so…

GET GUSHING!

In the comment section, let me know if you saw this episode, or if you linked to it. I know you will love it.

Also, in the comment section, let me know if you plan to gush a little today. I look forward to hearing from you.

Evangelical = Weirdo

This week has been largely about how we smell and shine to the world. My attention is shifted today, however. I have been watching documentaries on the treadmill. It is an interesting way to catch up on perceived culture. I have been watching Jesus Camp, for the last couple of days. Today, I have been thinking about what the world says about us.

The popular perception of evangelicals, in the US, is that we are a freak show. In international Christian circles, we are Godless. Both are right to some extent. Today, we will look at those closer to home.

I can’t blame people for seeing us as completely irresponsible. Some evangelicals have frightening agendas. Some anti-evangelicals have frightening agendas. My husband and I have seen, and experienced some of the far-right agenda, first hand. We hold Matthew 23:1-36, close to our heart as we consider our experience of Christianity verses what God has shown us of Himself.

Aside from the popular response to evangelicals, we have a lot to work on. The first words of John Stott’s introduction in Basic Christianity, says, “They [those hostile to the church] are opposed to anything which savours of institutionalism. They detest the establishment and its entrenched privileges. And they reject the church – not without some justification – because they regard it as impossibly corrupted by such evils.”

I have gone though the processes of belief and lack thereof. I have been hostile to the church, even as a believer and attender. The world, in its lack of experience with the church, cannot tell me anything that I do not know about its evils. I have first hand knowledge of all the shortcomings of my brothers and sisters. I do not pretend that I, and they, are void of fault.

I know from my experience how sinful I am. I was talking to my mentor, only yesterday, about the lack of biblical love that I demonstrate sometimes. I told her about my brokenness over the judgment that I exhibit, sometimes. I own that. I am still in the fight.

This struggle was deepened as I watch this documentary. I am not of the denomination represented in this movie. I wondered about the timing of it, considering that Ted Haggard was on it, condemning homosexuality and calling for repentance. We have reason to be called out by the world, and each other.

There are people who are very devout on this video. They would look weird to those who have no experience with Jesus, at all. Even to more moderate evangelicals, some of the movie would instigate moments of concern.

There are many members to the body of Christ. Christ will judge our hearts. That is where I have landed in my thought process after thinking overnight. I have seen crazier acts of devotion.

Wherever you fall in your expression of belief, Paul tells us what we look like from the outside. We look weird; but appearance does not equate to experience. Let’s look a little closer at what he says.

We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; ⁹ as unknown, and yet are well known; as dying, and see—we are alive; as punished, and yet not killed; ¹⁰ as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing everything. (2 Corinthians 6:8b-10, NRSV)

Lots of people who find out that I devote my time to volunteer ministry think that I live an emaciated and deprived life. I see the opposite. Disregarding Jesus, I have lived a life that hurt me. I have made choices that made me wither and fade away for periods of time. There are things that I can’t take back. My flesh creates a life of self, miserable and barren.

Because of what the world sees, when strangers find out what I do, they think that I have to be a fake, like other Christians that make the news or are involved in documentaries, prideful and uncaring…and uneducated. The fact that I really pray every day to love these people, earnestly, can never be real to them. They cannot believe me because they are conditioned to suspicion and hate.

I am not famous; and probably will only be known to my friends and the people that I minister to and with; and, yet, I am known to the Creator of the world. He bothered to meet me before I entered my mother’s womb. He is present every day when I crawl to His feet with my cup of coffee. I am well known.

I am not emaciated and dead to the pleasures of life. I know joy, even when I am hurting I can know joy. I feel the Spirit under my skin and I know that because He lives, I can face tomorrow. I am just as alive as my Savior, and I will be forever with Him.

I will be excluded because of who I am. I will be left out of conversations and social circles. I will be held responsible for the sins of all other Christians, and the shortcomings that all people share. That comes with this territory. I will be punished, fairly and unfairly…but it will never kill me. They will think that they are crushing my spirit with their words, but my Spirit will not die.

There are things that happen to us, that will happen to everyone. I am not exempt from bad things. I can feel sorrow, but I have hope. I can mourn, but I will celebrate. I rejoice because I know that my God is sovereign. He is in control and no sorrow will overtake me.

I understand that my treasures here are ephemeral. I may appear to make odd financial choices so that my church can have more, but I know what I am doing. The most precious investment that I have been called to make is my time. The riches of freedom came at the greatest cost imaginable. This is where my treasure lies, and this truth is what my heart longs to invest in others.

I might look like I have nothing, but I have everything. Everything. We look weird. We pay for the reputation of others. The only thing that separates us, even from other believers, is genuine love. This will make the difference.

Father, thank you for telling us who we are. Thank you for giving us everything. We are completely aware that it all comes from you. Show us who to genuinely love and set us apart for your service.

The Bridegroom

My husband and I attended a marriage conference this weekend. It was our first and it left us grateful and encouraged. The one thing that we have been taught in our marriage, the hard way I would like to add, is that the relationship with the Father must be right for all other things to be right. We have to be centered in Him for the abundance that is required for a healthy, deep relationship. Prior to getting this lesson I lived as a skimmer. I would skim the top of my life. I had just enough resource to touch on each item of my day, including my husband. So, each day, everyone and everything got touched, but nothing got handled. I just didn’t want to live like that…and God IS abundance, so we are guaranteed enough to handle everything. This weekend, this life lesson has been affirmed in a big way.

Yesterday when we were driving to the conference, it was like 80 degrees. We had the top down driving almost an hour; and I had plenty of sunscreen and a hat, of course. My husband made a mixed CD of songs that made him think of me. It was SO romantic. So, there I was, top down, sun and wind, love songs and my husband holding my hand. I started thinking that this is such an amazing prayer to the Father. He made every one of these emotions. He wants for me to feel that depth of satisfaction and longing for Him. I just reveled in it. I thought that I knew everything when I got married (as with many other points in my life), and this moment put me in wonder because the day of my wedding was just a shadow compared to the love that I have for my husband today. The creek is now a river and I look forward to the ocean. Such is the love of my Father.

The word that would explain the feeling that I have for God today is anticipation. That is what we as women long for, right? I desire anticipation for when my husband gets home. Wouldn’t that be an exciting way to live everyday? Guess what? That is completely up to us because that comes from the abundance of God. I anticipate the next special moment of love songs and sunscreen, whatever it looks like. I anticipate seeing what amazing thing God will do in our lives. This morning, I was reading The Parable of the Ten Bridesmaids, which is the picture of anticipation.

Matthew 25:1-13, NRSV, Then the kingdom of heaven will be like this. Ten bridesmaids  took their lamps and went to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish, and five were wise. When the foolish took their lamps, they took no oil with them; but the wise took flasks of oil with their lamps. As the bridegroom was delayed, all of them became drowsy and slept. But at midnight there was a shout, ‘Look! Here is the bridegroom! Come out to meet him.’ Then all those bridesmaids  got up and trimmed their lamps. The foolish said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.’ But the wise replied, ‘No! there will not be enough for you and for us; you had better go to the dealers and buy some for yourselves.’ And while they went to buy it, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went with him into the wedding banquet; and the door was shut. Later the other bridesmaids came also, saying, ‘Lord, lord, open to us.’ But he replied, ‘Truly I tell you, I do not know you.’ Keep awake therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour.”

I am convinced that of all of the parables, this one can speak to the heart of a woman. Isn’t it exciting? These are ten bridesmaids, or virgins, whatever translation that you are using. They are going to meet their bridegroom. I remember my wedding day. I was just about tuckered out by the time the whole thing started. I remember thinking, “I will never make it down that aisle without passing out.” I am not a fainter, either. I would have considered that a sad little end for the footage that was being shot, but I was seriously considering it. It was so stressful and we had taken pictures all day in my very beautiful and very heavy dress. By the time I was arm and arm with my dad, I was desperate. I turned to him and said, “Is there anything that you can think of to say?” He said, “Nope”…not helpful.

So, I was weary and defeated…no help in sight. Then my dad and I started to walk on cue, we rounded the bend and over the bridge, and there he was. My handsome fiancé was waiting for me on the front of the aisle. Talk about anticipation. I remember thinking, “If I just keep my eyes on him, I will make it”. I stayed on my feet only to get to his arms. I am still glad for those wedding pictures. The only thing that I remember is hanging on to the presence of my bridegroom. I don’t remember a single other thing.

So when I read about these ten ladies, I am there with those girls who remembered their oil. They trimmed their lamps and remembered their lipstick so that they could refresh before Mr. Bridegroom showed up. When you get that far…when you are about to walk down the aisle for the moment that you have been waiting for your entire life, and some girls says, “Hold up, I am not ready, I forgot my lipstick, can I borrow yours?” You don’t even bat an eye…you leave her. There would be no second thoughts, am I right? Goodbye, and have a nice time in the gift shop finding the right shade. Then you run off to the wedding feast, and your bridegroom is going to shut the door and celebrate your anticipation. He will fulfill it. Amen, sisters.

My husband made this a living picture for me this weekend. When I celebrated him, he just kept pointing me to our Father. What a gift! I can think of nothing more sacred than the ground of my marriage. This parable is no mistake. We are to look forward to the coming of Jesus like we would our wedding day. That is how this life will end, before the throne of our bridegroom. We need to be making the right investments before we go into the wedding feast.

Some of you are lucky to anticipate finally waking up today. We can start small, though. Anticipate those few moments of prayer with Him. Anticipate reading His word, even if you just reread the parable. Think of Him as the ultimate bridegroom when you enter into your solitude with Him. He desires to fill us completely, never failing. That is pretty stinkin’ romantic.

Father, thank you for the heart that you created so specifically for a woman. Thank you for letting us appreciate the moment of your arrival to us today. Come to us and speak to our hearts, in gentleness and tenderness.

Cleaning House

I spent yesterday under the question; do I come to God because I love Him? There are a million reasons to come to Him. One reason could be that it is a habit left over from another time in life, one could be fear of - what if quiet time didn’t happen, or one could be that it is on my daily task list. The legalist could be obeying the commandment, “Thou shalt have a quiet time”. There are times we go through when the constancy of the act is the important thing, not the motive. This is not that time for me.

My desire is to come to Him because I love Him. I want to express my love by creating space for Him. He can fill this space with whatever He sees fit. Some days He leads me to scripture, some days repentance, some days to song and others to prayer. He leads me to lots of questions. I get most things from Him in questions. I always know that these come from the Spirit because, believe me, I would never challenge myself in those ways. I am content to leave most of it in the closet and keep singing.

I read a book once, called Authentic Beauty. It is a great read by Leslie Ludy. She gave a visual on creating space for God that goes something like this. She said imagine that it is your wedding day. Your new husband has you in his arms as he carries you to the front door of your house. You are all a dither with anticipation for the most romantic moment of your life. He turns the door knob and opens the door. You are thinking PARADISE, and you see his face drop. You look to see your home consumed in trash. It is covering every piece of furniture and there not even a navigable trail through the room. The odor of rotting garbage almost knocks you down. This is the state of many hearts. If it makes you feel better, I am sure that this visual can come in mildly trashed.

Our hearts are so much more deceptive than we give them credit for, Jeremiah 17:9, “The heart is devious above all else; it is perverse— who can understand it?” God does. Mostly, we desire perfect communion with God, without the work. We have to adjust our thinking to making the work part of the communion. Part of creating space for God to be present and work in our lives is taking out the trash. We want to have a place for holiness in our lives. Think of it in terms of a clean house; btw, you can get creative and think of any kind of house that you want, mine is big.

So imagine, this, you, in your perfect house, and Jesus. Just quietly follow along after Him. Note the way that He brings peace to the halls of your home as He walks through with mercy and love. There is gentleness in the way that He desires to help you pick up this space. He points to the next box of memories, unrealized goals, hurts and fears; and he says, “It is time to throw this one out, don’t you think?” You see the corners of His mouth turn up because He is proud that you picked it up. You hand it to Him and He says, “That’s my girl”. You are so sure in that moment that you know the Savior of the world that there is no fear, no guilt, and no questions. Then the box just disappears. You continue to walk with Him (I am usually crying by now). You start to remember Psalm 51:10, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me”. And, see, you made a place for the two of you to sit down together.

I have misunderstood this most of my life. I thought that there would be condemnation and guilt in this act of “cleaning house”. I attached guilt to acts of confession and forgiveness; but instead, with each box that we hand over He brings lightness, clarity to our hearts and our minds…a clear conscience. 1 Timothy 3:9, “they must hold fast to the mystery of the faith with a clear conscience.”

Father, thank you for coming to us as the destroyer of sin. Thank you for making that real in our lives by Your constant guidance toward confession and forgiveness. Give us the strength to offer You our garbage today.

Wanderer Four

So, God sends community to the lost, healing to those in darkness, His word to those who sin against themselves, and to our final wanderer He reveals Himself through creation.  Psalms 107:23-32, tells of a wanderer who goes out to establish a name, do business on the mighty waters.

²³     Some went down to the sea in ships,

doing business on the mighty waters;

²⁴     they saw the deeds of the Lord,

his wondrous works in the deep.

²⁵     For he commanded and raised the stormy wind,

which lifted up the waves of the sea.

²⁶     They mounted up to heaven, they went down to the depths;

their courage melted away in their calamity;

²⁷     they reeled and staggered like drunkards,

and were at their wits’ end.

²⁸     Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,

and he brought them out from their distress;

²⁹     he made the storm be still,

and the waves of the sea were hushed.

³⁰     Then they were glad because they had quiet,

and he brought them to their desired haven.

³¹     Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,

for his wonderful works to humankind.

³²     Let them extol him in the congregation of the people,

and praise him in the assembly of the elders.

Think of where we are as a country right now.  We have gone down to the sea in ships, traded on Wall Street, taken financial risks and explored business opportunities on the mighty waters of industry.  Aren’t we big and strong?  I think that this passage is interesting because the mighty waters belong to the Lord.  All seas and all ships belong to the Lord.  We see His deeds and His wondrous works, but these are His and His alone.  We went down to the sea thinking that we would conquer what is rightfully the Lord’s.  This wanderer is one that we see everywhere right now, the entrepreneur.  Does it stop at finances, though?  Isn’t there an element to greed that cannot stop itself at money?  It wants the heart and soul.  It is the spiritual entrepreneur and the sin is greed for what does not belong to him, what rightfully belongs to the Father. 

God has commanded and raised the stormy wind.  He has lifted up the waves of the sea.  He is allowing us to ride this new economical wave to the heavens and back down to the depths.  Is your courage being melted away?  Has your home been affected by this crisis?  Do you really remember who gives us everything that we need, anyway?  My home does.  Before it is over, we could be among those who reel and stagger like drunkards, at our wits end.  Ask those who are losing their homes and their jobs what this feels like.  We, as a country, are paying for the greed that has consumed us, physically and spiritually. 

There will come a time when we are glad for the quiet.  We will be grateful for the jobs that we have, the car that we are privileged to drive, and the home that the Lord has offered to us to raise a generation for Him and do the ministry that He entrusts to us.  We will all learn this lesson, and I pray that our desired haven will have a less frivolous tone when we get there.  Isn’t it funny that the truly faithful are not afraid of this change?  They see it, recognize it, understand the implications of it, but…they are not freaking out; maybe because of the way that they handled their money before, or maybe because they know that the Lord is faithful.  Either way, there are those who show us how to manage homes and money faithfully.  These are the counter-cultural few who we now realize had it right all along.

I think that this brand of wanderer is upon us.  God will call these in, in abundance.  Nature is a wonderful metaphor for that which is out of our control.  God tells us,

James 4:13, 14, “Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a town and spend a year there, doing business and making money.’ ¹⁴ Yet you do not even know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.”

Proverbs 21:1, “The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord; he turns it wherever he will.”

Ecclesiastes 8:8, “No one has power over the wind  to restrain the wind, or power over the day of death; there is no discharge from the battle, nor does wickedness deliver those who practice it.”

We are out of control, and this is a good thing.  We can never conquer, earn, dominate, force or manipulate control over anything as long as there is a God of the universe.  He allows us to live in this space.  We choose to take on the responsibility and resources of a Holy God or to pretend in futility that we are the ones doing business on the mighty waters. 

I encourage you to read the rest of Psalm 107, how He longs to give rest to wanderers, by turning nothing into something.  He establishes towns for community, He turns emotional and physical deserts into vineyards, He allows His people to multiply and He rescues the oppressed and weary.  We have a God who loves us deeply.  Psalm 107:43, “Let those who are wise give heed to these things, and consider the steadfast love of the Lord.”

Father, thank you for loving us with a steadfast love.  Let this thought be on our hearts and in our minds today.

Wanderer Three

What?  Another Wanderer?  You mean there are more kinds of lost people in the world?  Yes, Yes, and Yes. 

Psalm 107:17-22,

¹⁷     Some were sick through their sinful ways,

and because of their iniquities endured affliction;

¹⁸     they loathed any kind of food,

and they drew near to the gates of death.

¹⁹     Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,

and he saved them from their distress;

²⁰     he sent out his word and healed them,

and delivered them from destruction.

²¹     Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,

for his wonderful works to humankind.

²²     And let them offer thanksgiving sacrifices,

and tell of his deeds with songs of joy.

Here we see the self-destructive, the insatiable.  These wanderers don’t need anything but themselves to be miserable.  I have made plenty of beds to lie in during this life.  This passage makes me think of those who have to have more, be more, but never themselves.  They have their tummies tucked, their lips enlarged, they starve themselves, or medicate themselves into “a new you”…wait, should I add sex, fantasy and food in this category?  Some don’t feel a lot because they escape through the porthole of their making.  Their sin is simply the travel time in this porthole, and the affliction is the journey itself.  It is hard to realize that you have turned on yourself.  When they are delivered from this destruction, these people understand the nuances of sin, and the oneness of Satan and lies.

This makes me think of all of the women that I am “supposed” to be; the women that magazines and TV force upon me until I just want to send those girls a pie in the mail.  These women have glowing complexions and thighs the size of my forearm.  Emaciated, they slither up runways in almost nothing, looking seductive, pouty, and, well…hungry.  They are literally empty.  They loathe food of any kind.  They loathe anything that would fill them.  There is a need for some people to be completely empty.  When God fills, they reject.  It is equivalent to spiritual stomach flu.  To be filled is too painful, so they remain sick and afflicted by there own self-loathing.  They have turned on themselves.

This is true for any means of self-medication.  Anything that we do to empty God from our life in order to make the cavern of desolation larger identifies as a mechanism for this brand of wandering.  Replacing God with vanities, things that feed our egos, addictions and power, this is guaranteed to carry us to the gates of death.  There we will stand, no longer able to understand the difference between the Creator and the created.  We have worshipped all of the things around us, thinking that we would fill that “God void” that we have.  We are sick, afflicted, loathing and distressed, standing at the gates of death.  We cry out.

There are days when I choose to pick up one more thing, do one more load of dishes, take or make one more phone call, think that “one more” will make me a little more in control of my life.  I begin to move on my own scale of acceptable effectiveness, and soon, the rest of the world has a different texture.  It is one in which I have to strive to keep up…the goal becomes simply running on the wheel.  I substitute a false world for the one that Christ has intended for me; one that has a light burden and a sense of freedom.  If I stay here, I begin to see myself differently.  I hate who I become.  I have pushed God out of His home, His temple and I have filled it with my day, my hours, my minutes.  It is never worth it.  I feel sick and distressed.

To these wanderers, He sends out His word.  That is really awesome.  This word fixes our thoughts, and straightens out who God is and who we are.  That is why it is so crucial that we are in the word, as often as we can be.  It tells me who I am, and when I pull away from Him and fill my insatiable cavern with other things than Jesus, the Spirit leads me to things like Hebrews 10:38, “My soul takes no pleasure in anyone who shrinks back.”  I have to advance, and the only way that I know to do this is abiding in my Savior.

Again, our superhero not only delivers, but heals His people…win, win, win.  So we thank the Lord again for His steadfast love, we offer Him thanksgiving and songs.  So, lift your voices and thank Him, today, because you are delivered from the gates of death.  Amen.

Father, lift up all of the wanderers to you, today.  Fill them with you and heal all of the ways that they and we afflict ourselves.  Thank you for your steadfast love.  Deliver us, today Lord.

Wanderer Two

Psalms 107:10-16, “Some sat in darkness and in gloom, prisoners in misery and in irons, for they had rebelled against the words of God, and spurned the counsel of the Most High. Their hearts were bowed down with hard labor; they fell down, with no one to help. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress; he brought them out of darkness and gloom, and broke their bonds asunder. Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wonderful works to humankind. For he shatters the doors of bronze, and cuts in two the bars of iron.”

Here we have another wanderer, the one who sits in the darkness.  I see an emotional component to this.  There are actually two people who fit this; one is intentional and one is unintentional.  Let’s begin with intentional. 

There are people who choose to be miserable.  Aren’t they a dandy?  They love to sit around and wallow in their gloom.  It is like enjoying a nice dip in a big Jacuzzi tub filled with tar.  You walk into their homes and they want to know if you want to get in their tub of tar, and you look at them like, “Why would I ever want to, a: get in that tub with you, and b: wallow in tar?”  These are the longest visits, phone calls, meetings of your life.  Ask people that you really trust if you fit this description.  I sent out a questionnaire to some of my friends one time.  I wanted to know if I accurately viewed myself.  They questions came from these eight points, from the book, Lit, by Dave Edwards,

1)      I do the right things.

2)      I deal with my mistakes instead of hiding from them.

3)      I deal honestly and truthfully with everyone and in everything.

4)      I am careful to use my words to build life in myself and others.

5)      I defend the righteous when they are unrighteously accused.

6)      I do what I say I will do.

7)      I use my resources to build up the kingdom of God.

8)      I do not use others to accomplish my own agenda.

You have to really want to know, right?

So this brand of wanderer sits in darkness and gloom, prisoners, literally shackled to their misery.  They choose this.  Imagine all of the things in life that you choose, and then imagine choosing this.  Some people do, and their misery, their tar-filled-Jacuzzi-tub runneth over.  The thing is, this Jacuzzi tub filled with tar feels just like a wonderful warm bath to them.  It is equivalent.  There is something that happens in this darkness that allows some people to substitute reality with this dark fiction that they own and feed.  This is their rebellion from the words of God, from the counsel of the Most High.  God tells us, “For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.” So, if this is you, get out of the tub!

Next we have the flip side of this, those who are in darkness and gloom not from their own choosing.  These people understand this verse, Job 7:3, “so I am allotted months of emptiness, and nights of misery are apportioned to me.”  The Jacuzzi darkened people are a disgrace to these wanderers, a complete sham.  These unintentional wanderers desperately desire to draw close to the Father, and yet, they are shackled to irons of misery and darkness.  The loneliness crushes their souls.  They are the unwilling participants in this type of trouble, but they are deeply troubled and wait for the Lord to bring them out of this darkness.  I have known so many women with various psychological disorders or challenges, or simply those who go through a tough time.  It is their burden, in the midst of this to keep the words of God close to their hearts and remain fixated on the counsel of the Most High.  It is a challenge of which I cannot conceive.  These are the carefully chosen few who can endure, and have the capability to draw into the Father under the most extreme of conditions; conditions in which most of us would fail.

Whether intentional or unintentional, their hearts are bowed down with hard labor, because all labor is hard when it is under this weight.  Getting dressed, walking outside of your bedroom, prayer…they all seem like an untrained athlete in the middle of an Ironman competition.  It is labored and they fall down…often.  They cry out…often.  They are alone, even when in a room full of people and no one can help them.  The difference that I see between the intentional and unintentional wanderer is this crying out.  The intentional wanderer is not so concerned with being rescued.  The unintentional wanderer desperately desires the Lord to save them from their distress. 

I love how God’s steadfast love is described for this person.  He brings them out of darkness and gloom.  It is like someone walking you from a dark room into the middle of summer in Phoenix.  From darkness to light, it can be blinding.  Wait, this is the best part…He shatters doors of bronze and cuts bars of iron to free these wanderers.  What an amazing God!  He desires freedom for His people and He is willing to act like Super Superman to do it.  Nothing is spared when it is time for the Lord to free His people.

Lord, thank you for your relentless, steadfast love that desires freedom for your people.  Continue to gather up your people from the ends of the earth.  Give us vision to see our broken bonds as a reflection of your glory.