The Wait

I have already told you that I am praying fervently for something. I should have said that I have received an answer, but I have not received THE final answer. I came home last weekend from a women’s event and got on my knees in my yard. I had to choose my spot carefully, because we have three dogs. I just knelt and wept. I begged God for an answer…and the one that I got was not the one that I was hoping for, but it was such a peaceful, reassuring word. I had purged everything from inside of me, and I looked up. My dog Tess was lying in the grass, staring at me. She was so happy. Tess was created to be a dog; and she is a wonderful dog. There is nothing that delights her more than a stray bug to snap at, or a bird taking flight. I think that she sees herself as responsible for the motion of creation. Nothing in the world matters but the moment in which she is participating. We exist for her amusement and provision. Under this roof, dogs want for nothing. God entrusted our friends to us for safe keeping and we relish in this role of stewardship and friendship. Saying all of those good things, I am kind of jealous. I watch that adorable mug and think about the fact that she is everything that the God of the universe created her to be. Tess cannot screw up being a dog. She is an excellent control group when thinking about the unique creation of humanity. Tess was created with everything that she needs to fulfill her purpose. Snapping at bugs and chasing birds just makes her more of a dog. We will drop everything and watch it, every time. I have free will and a unique purpose. I worry. I sometimes worry about the dogs. I worry about the results of this prayer. After looking at Tess, my eyes locked on this swarm of bugs over the lawn. I don’t know what they were. They were small, and they were being everything that they were created to be, even if this means eating our hibiscus. I just stared at them like a really great screensaver, and then I worried about our hibiscus. AND…then it came. Matthew 5:25-30, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? 28 And why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?” I have read this so many times. It is what people like to say to make you feel guilty for thinking ahead/worrying. It was different this time, though. I did not have my bible in front of me; and, as I was locking eyes with my miniscule friends, I knew that God’s Spirit was whispering to me. He was writing His word on my heart and telling me that His plan was already in the works. In the meantime, it is my job to take a lesson from Tess and be what I was created to be. I have to live out my purpose as all of the pieces are being put in place. The answer was…wait. Lord, let us be women who can trust your purpose. Reassure us in our times of doubt or worry. Let us remember our purpose and honor you with it, while we wait.

Remembering

My husband and I had the privilege of a date night, last night. I love to be face-to-face with him. I can hear his heart differently when I am out of the house, really dialoguing about relevant issues. One of our family members is very sick and we are feeling helpless, although, we are confident that she has nothing to fear in the hands of our Father. We talked about her, and sent our love across the miles. (add Grandma Knowlton to your prayer lists).

It has brought some memories back to me from my senior year in high school. My grandmother lived with us. She and I just had this special bond. I can’t explain it. We would sit and talk for hours. She would tell me what time my bedroom light went off the night before, and tell me that I studied too much.

I would tell her that she should eat something besides ice cream and cookies for dinner. We would giggle and she had a wonderful laugh. The best times were when I sat with her long enough, that the stories just started to roll. As time went on, she opened up to me about everything. I just loved her, and I had no doubt of her love for me.

I went on a youth ski trip my senior year, and while I was gone my grandmother fell and had a stroke. My mother gave her around the clock care after that. It was difficult for everyone, but we just loved her and wanted her with us.

The day came, however, when the family had to decide to put her in a nursing home. That is day that I will never forget. As she was being carried to the car, she took my hand and said, “Don’t forget me, Tracy, remember me”. She repeated it. I can hear her voice. I assured her and assured her, as I kissed her hand. They are my mother’s hands and my hands. I could never forget her.

I do a lot of visualization in prayer. I picture the steps of the throne of grace stretched out before me. I picture myself in a ball at the foot of the cross covered in the blood of Christ…thank you, Lord. We attend a church that has the Lord’s Supper every Sunday. This is a time that I put myself in the presence of the Lord. I have made sure that my accounts of confession and forgiveness are settled, and I freely enter into His presence. He always waits for me there.

Sometimes this is what I see. I go to the door of the upper room. I am wearing a burdensome, rough and long coat - unmanageable and unruly. I feel the weight of it bearing down on my shoulders as I get to the door. The requirement for entering this room is the removal of my jacket. I open the door.

It is dimly lit and there Jesus sits waiting for me, seated behind a table. He smiles and tells me eagerly that He is glad that I came, and to come in and sit down. I slip off this heavy coat outside of the door and leave it there. It is the compilation of my burdens, my worries, my week and my flesh. I leave it at the door. I feel relieved and I obey His voice. I go and sit across from Him. There is never a more tender welcome than the one that He gives me. He has bread and wine already prepared for us, and He says, “This is my body, which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me (Luke 22:19).”

When Jesus said this to His disciples, he was talking to people that He loved. He was telling his loved ones what was coming, but He was also making the plea of a friend and loved one. “Do this in remembrance of me”, is an insertion that we only see in Luke, and retold in 1 Corinthians 11:24, 25. I think that it is so wonderful and so personal…so human.

My grandmother did not want to be a passing thought in my mind just because she did not live with us, anymore. She wanted to be present with me forever. She wanted for my children to speak her name and honor her memory. Christ wanted to be remembered. He wanted for those whom he loved, and who loved Him so much, to be with Him forever. And so we sit together, and he says, “Don’t forget me, Tracy, remember me”.

He then says, “This cup that is poured out for you is the new covenant in my blood” (Luke 22:13, NRSV). The new covenant…and He has told me, once more, why I am there. I sit before Him and say, “I remember you, Lord; I will never forget what you did. Thank you”. I eat and drink, and sit in awe with my Savior until I have to leave. Then, I get up from the table and I walk back through the door, leaving my coat behind.

Lord, let us honor your memory today. Let it be a blessing to you and to us throughout each moment. We remember you, and we thank you.

It's Not Over 'Til He Says It Is

I want something. I see the example of it throughout scripture. I pray for it fervently. I am not going to tell you what it is because it is not your prayer; but you might have prayed, or are praying, for something like it. 1 John 5:14, 15, “And this is the boldness we have in him, that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. 15 And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have obtained the requests made of him”. What I want is in his will; I know because scripture says it. It is sort of like people reading about the fruits of the Spirit, and saying, “Patience, will make my life better, give me patience, Lord”. Then they pray for patience, (frightening, right?) expecting that the Spirit will snap its wispy fingers and “shazam”. Alas, I have never seen anyone gain patience without the events that make them patient. I was, however, elated to find that it was an official, “yes, do this; this is my will”; because I knew that when I prayed for it, I was on the right track. I haven’t received it, yet. I know that it is scriptural. I know that it is the Lord’s will. I, also, know that I need to be on my knees about this, and I am. I was sitting with my mentor, yesterday, and she said, “You know, if God wanted to ‘answer that prayer’, he could do it right now”. Hmmm…God is choosing not to answer me. I have three options. I can get fussy, and, oh my, I am so good at that. Number two, I could say that prayer does not work and withhold from Christ because He doesn’t perform for me like a pet. Or I can open my bible…Isaiah 55:8, 9, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts”. This last one requires me to say, “I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted (Job 42:2). Give me number three. As important as our culture tells us we are, we belong to God. That is part of the gig; we trust that, as the sovereign ruler of the universe, He is smarter than we are. He made my brain, He made my personality, and He knows the number of hairs on my head and the number of days in my life. He is infinitely more capable to handle my prayer request than I am. I was watching, “The Passion”, last night with two wonderful women. After it was over, one of them said, “What did you get from it this time?” I am not a quick processor, so I had to rummage through the catalogue of thoughts and come up with something. This struck me. Christ was brutally beaten, His flesh was torn to shreds, He wore a crown of thorns that pierced His head, and He was spat upon and taunted. Mark 15:29, 30, “Those who passed by derided him, shaking their heads and saying, “Aha! You who would destroy the temple and build it in three days, 30 save yourself, and come down from the cross!” See, this is what we do. We look at God and tell Him what would look God-worthy. We tell Him that the way to be God is to show off and take His Son down from the cross. We are ready for the miracle, and a light show would not be bad, either. God says, absolutely not. He knows something that we don’t. Christ would not end there. Christ did not die for the fireworks display. It was not finished until He said that it was. It was not over until HE commended His spirit to the Father. But there was more… What happened then? A dead Christ was in a borrowed tomb for three days and He walked out. Why? To reign forever with His Father in heaven; giving us a forever with Him. Hallelujah! Say that with me. Hallelujah! God does not always answer in an impressive way, or even when I want for Him to answer. Sometimes, I have to be on my knees offering it to Him – the offering is part of the answer. Then He takes everything that is standing in the way of this one request and crucifies it…until it is dead, until it is finished. Oh but wait, he resurrects it in a form that glorifies Him and conforms it to His perfect will. The things that I ask for are small, and when God answers, like Job, I have to cover my simple, unworthy mouth and marvel at this awesome God. Our God is sovereign and He has all the resources of heaven and earth at His disposal. If He wanted to answer, He could do it right now; but if He doesn’t, watch out, we just might see the best light show ever. Lord, hear our prayer today: I say to the Lord, “You are my God; give ear, O Lord, to the voice of my supplications.” 7O Lord, my Lord, my strong deliverer, you have covered my head in the day of battle. – Psalm 140: 6, 7

Back in the Saddle

This week has been like two, and it is only Wednesday morning. This is just one more reason that I know I was meant to be at the “Youniquely Woman” conference this last weekend. They talked a lot about life management, ah yes.

I have spoken to two of my girlfriends, in the last few days, who have shared their frustrations to me about their role as a wife and mom. Not the fact that they are a wife and a mom, but sometimes we feel like we don’t measure up, like it is a test that we are failing, or like we are missing out on something because of sacrifices that have been made. It is in these times that I know we are made of the same materials (dust and an extra rib) with the same womanly purposes, from the very moment of creation.

We also have the same influences knocking at our door every day from this world. It is courting our natural state; something inside of us, no matter how small that it is, desiring to make us feel unsatisfied; with what greater lie could Satan fill women’s heads? Really, can you think of one?

So, I participated in a senior’s luncheon event at the church, yesterday. It really is one of the most fun things that I do at the church. They are a funny group, and they allow me to laugh and eat with them. I am honored to be invited. I asked everyone that I saw before the event to pray for me. I could only explain it by saying, “I feel like today is happening to me”.

Have you ever had one of those? I had run the day before, until I couldn’t make full sentences, and then I did it all over again. I was tired, physically and emotionally, a silent killer for us who desire to be useful every day. I could tell that the Lord wanted to enjoy His people, and I was not going to thwart His efforts. It was a blessing to me, as usual. But, by the time that I got home, I felt drained and weary. I still had the high school girls coming over that night for their bible study. So…I opened my bible.

This is what Paul asked me. Galatians 3:3, 4, NRSV, “Are you so foolish? Having started with the Spirit, are you now ending with the flesh? Did you experience so much for nothing?—if it really was for nothing.” In my experience Paul does not mix words. He was writing to people who were about to scrap their faith and go back to some legalistic jargon. Why do we go from Spirit-filled and Spirit-led to empty rituals? Why do I ride the roller coaster of abiding in Him and then going through the motions?

I knew that if I did not call on the Spirit to transform/renew my mind, I was about to lose an opportunity for the Lord to speak to some of his most precious ones (yes, that means you, girls).

We are entrusted with just a few things in this life; our families in our homes and in our churches are so important, now and eternally. God does tell us how to fulfill our purposes…through his Spirit; not for one moment are we supposed to trust our own understanding or our own flesh. I accepted my reprimand from my brother Paul. I left the land of the unsatisfied and weary, and climbed back in the saddle.

Lord, I pray that you would transform our minds, today. Send the power of your Spirit to let us fulfill all of our roles and purposes today. Let us be completely satisfied in you.

Doing vs. Being

Proverbs 31 woman…enough said. Some of you have a condition called, “burning flesh” right now. Some of you have developed eye trouble and can no longer see the words on this screen. I love her but I am not sure that we could be really good friends. She is the kind of woman that always looks the part. She is making it in the world and in her home. She could walk out into the street and ask 15 neighbors in for a spontaneous feast, and it would be perfect, including place cards and three courses. She makes me jealous. Argh! So, the senior high girls and I have been looking at this woman. She is capable, trusted, she does her husband good, she works hard, brings food to her home, she is up at night if she needs to be, she furthers her families financial interests, she is strong, she is fully able to supply the needs of her family, she is generous, she is prepared, she plays her role in the honoring of her husband, she is dignified and not afraid, she is wise and kind, she is not idle (this does not mean busy), her children get out of bed calling her happy and her husband praises her… It is a tall order, however, I know many of my friends who do, or are willing to do, any of these things for their families; just not all at once. One thing to point out is that she is not doing all of these every day. She is doing them over a lifetime. The actions of Proverbs 31:10-28, should not scare us. She does what she has to do, don’t you? Are you willing? She does have something else, though. I noticed that this laundry list of attributes is lacking something. To be a Christian woman today, you are supposed to attend the women’s suppers and bring a dish, be enrolled in 5 bible studies, show up looking perfect on Sunday morning, read out of your 15 devotional books, and…be up on all of the TV evangelists. Now, you are supposed to read your friend’s blog…it is endless. Today, I am giving you permission to make your life a lot easier. I see none of that in Proverbs 31, or anywhere in God’s word. Don’t get me wrong, I see a faithful woman. It says that her husband trusts her, she is generous to the poor and needy, she is not afraid, she is wise and kind, she is happy and her husband brags about her all around town. That tells me that there is a stillness that is coming from inside of her and infecting all of those around her. She is doing it right. She lives from the inside out. My desire has been to find the lost manuscript that tells me of her “being” relationship. What is she when she is still with God? What does her heart say to God through the day as she takes on each new adventure? That is the “being” relationship with the Lord. (A note on "being" relationships: you have to know with whom you are in a relationship; that is the role of scripture and prayer.) This is a glimpse of a woman from the eyes of a son. I don’t have children, but would you write this about your mom? If you would, call her, thank her and ask her about her “being” relationship. Would your children write it about you? It is from this “being” relationship with the Lord that good things come. The Spirit gives us the power to have this fruit in our lives. It wars with our flesh, our sin nature, being the very power of God inside of us. We have this power in our lives…that stuns me as I think of what is available and untapped. I have the power to be kind and generous and loving. I have the power to bless those around me and care for their needs. Wait, yes, I also have the power to be wise and not afraid…to be peaceful. You and I can be known as happy, because when someone asks us how our day is, we will be able to tell them of our “being” life; we are fine, we are content, and we are strong. We can be dignified and say that we have everything that we need to face the trials of this life. We tell our troubles to women who will lift us up, hold us accountable and point us back to the cross. That is part of this “being” relationship. My temptation has been to live in the “doing” because that is where things happen. How will anyone call you productive if you don’t prove it? This goes hand-in-hand with the twenty minute response for, “How are you”? These lives are always busier and always harder than anyone else’s life. I was challenged at a conference this weekend to take charge of the “doings” in my life. See, when we you commit to something, you absorb it into your world. It shares a place with other priorities in your life (see Donna Otto’s stuff…amazing). Some of these things should not be let in your front door. You are not meant to “own” those things. If I ask you right now, what is the one thing that you are doing that you should not be doing? This thing usually robs the other true priorities of your life (family, friendships, your “being” relationship with Christ, and you…fyi, you are a priority in your life, whether or not you act like it). It robs peace from your life, and probably someone else could do it…ouch. I know that is a radical notion, but someone else could do it…and if they did it better, hallelujah. Want to be really bold? Ask your husband or your children, maybe your friends what you should drop. Actually, that is great advice; I will have to ask my husband that question. Lord, show me today how to “be” with you. Show me areas in my life that are unnecessary; those that rob the real priorities of my life. Create in me the willingness to move away from “doing” and into authentic relationship with you.