If Your Flesh Tingles...Don't Let It Mingle

Hebrews 12:5 & 6, NRSV, “And you have forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as children— ‘My child, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, or lose heart when you are punished by him; for the Lord disciplines those whom he loves, and chastises every child whom he accepts.’”

Ok, repentance. I have it today. I have sometimes been asked about the voice of the Lord, how to tell that it is him and not the attacks of Satan, needless guilt. I can’t give a course on how to do this, although I have the experience to, but I can tell what my experience has been. The good thing is that listening to God’s voice through His Spirit, is like prayer, or exercise, it gets easier the longer you do it. I know that some people struggle deeply with this. The desire is there, but it is like white noise or a glass ceiling. Often efforts get clouded with this repeated response. It can be discouraging.

I had an altercation this morning. I felt the whole thing…the burning flesh, the indignation, the desire to be right, the desire to crush the enemy. I remember sitting there for a second after it was seemingly done, and thinking, “I will make you sorry. I cannot forgive you and I certainly am not taking this on myself”. Then I started to weep because I was so angry. I just said His name, “God…I can’t do this”. And believe me, I didn’t want to, but He did. He not only wanted me to understand that He wanted to do this, but He wanted me to see why I was struggling. What was under my need to win? What was under my need to crush? Myself, my sin.

Here is the rule…whenever I am really angry, or even broader than that, whenever I sense my flesh tingle, it is my sin. That is a something for a t-shirt… “If your flesh tingles, don’t let it mingle”… whatever, anyway. When you live in the Spirit, the flesh does not come into play. So, my flesh tingling is an internal alarm, I have to own that; it does not belong here. See, I have been “that girl”, like this morning, who would not be stepped on. You will never get the best of me. You can’t talk to me like that. If you think that you could possibly win against me, you will learn a whole new world of hurt. I have been her. Now when someone crosses me, or when I make a mess of things, I have to send her away, although she is often my first recourse. I have to choose who I will serve in that split second, my flesh or my God. Today, I have done both.

That is really the hard thing, all of this Bible stuff…at some point we have to decide if it is all just the stories of our childhood, one of the philosophies of our time, or is it the rock that I will build on? Will I choose that He is God and is telling me what is true, or will I rely on my stunning track record of relational carnage that I have left behind me? So, when God says that I am supposed to love others more than myself, is this a suggestion? When He tells me that even He came as a servant, He is the least, should I expect more than that for my life?

I use His name. I call myself a Christian; I belong to Him. So, does that mean that I like Him? I belonged to a sorority in college and, guaranteed, I did not like all of the girls in that. I have even belonged to church groups where it was really hard to understand how I was supposed to love everyone. I found myself nuancing the word love, so that I could just make it in there. Being a Christian is belonging to the identity of Christ. We have no groups like that on earth. The Bible tells us that we have been adopted. Taking on His identity, as my familial patriarch, means wanting to know Him, and yes, unapologetically, that means that we need to get our eyes on the word and our hearts at His throne. We are Christians, we belong to His family. Didn’t you want to know your dad?

The conceit that I have shown in my life is a metaphorical Kilimanjaro. I was listening to a song yesterday that said something like, “I don’t want to wonder what this life would have been like if I had given it all”. I don’t want to get to heaven and be like, “Oh, you actually meant that.” I want to fight now and here!!! And that means that sometimes I have to sit there and internally combust under the longings of my angry flesh while I set them on the throne of Christ. Ouch and yes. People tell me all of the time, “I know that I shouldn’t but…” Yep, you shouldn’t. I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t have been deceived into thinking that I was involved in a blameless situation this morning, when I was only concerned for myself.

Side note: You can’t grow in Christ, comfortably. He is literally cutting the junk out of you. Stuff that we have befriended, and now serves no purpose other than irrelevant survival techniques, is being mutilated out of us. Uncomfy.

Let me tell you what happened after the altercation. I sat crying and crying out, alone. I moaned out a, “why”, and an, “I don’t understand”. Then He gave me a name for what I was really feeling. The word was, “embarrassed”. My pride is involved. I was protecting myself. So, I cried and cried, realizing that I was to blame for my behavior and that my motives were not pure. Then God gave me righteous shame. I am ashamed for my prideful sin. I went to the dark laundry room and closed the door. I just wept and wept. My heart was just breaking and I was thinking that my legs might not hold me up. A housewife leaning on the dryer begging forgiveness… repentance in suburbia.

I was thinking. This is the language of God. I was repentant because He brought me to Him. I was not scared. I was not questioning who it was talking to me over the cotton/towels cycle. I knew that I was safe and that my heart was the desired offering. He was meeting me there. He always meets me in repentance…always. I never go there alone, and with mercy, and grace, and love He walks the halls of my heart and helps me offer those things to Him. He is so gentle, and what comes next? Freedom. Love. Knowing Him more. The ease of talking to Him with a clearer conscience, hearing with clearer ears. I can desire Him more when there is less garbage in my head.

So, that is my day. How has yours been? Really, I would love to hear.

Father, thank you for the repentant heart. Thank you for showing me what real love and safety are. Bring yourself to us, Lord, in any way that you can. Let us not be afraid of committing to this life in you.

One Truth, Not Hundreds

I have been reading Ecclesiastes, so I have Solomon to thank because I have all of these ideas running around in my head. I am hoping that the Spirit is going to piece them together for me. Being the wisest guy ever, Solomon probably could figure it all out on his own. The other night, I crawled back into bed after my bathroom trip and God spoke to me. I don’t remember Solomon ever talking about a nighttime bathroom run. I have not pieced it apart entirely, so if anyone has a word.... He told me that the world has a hundred truths, but He only has one truth. We have one truth. The Lord Jesus Christ is our truth.

Perhaps he gave me this because I have lots of questions. I have to be redirected, a lot. Today I was washing the dishes and stuck my hand in a jar of olives that I was going to use for dinner. I just get distracted in my own head, and today it gave me soapy olives. I totally used the olives anyway. I recommend it.

When I get bogged in the words of religion, I have to go back and measure it against what I know of my Lord. I know that I belong to Him. I belong to truth. God wants for us to understand that this life is one of belonging. We do not hold him outside of ourselves and poke Him in the stomach, expecting a cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise. We do not command Him or manipulate Him. Our prayers are not incantations. We stand in awe of Him. Ecclesiastes 3:14, “I know that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it; God has done this, so that all should stand in awe before him.”

We belong to God. We belong to one truth. I was just talking to my cousin and we were pretty much just lovin’ on Jesus, via telephone. We are so grateful to have a family experience with Christ. This experience has led us to trust who God says He is, which I see as THE biggest piece of truth. To flip this, we also believe who He says we are. That is no short order. We have the Spirit of truth in us. I wish that I trusted that more. The power that is locked in that trust is immense. Now, we belong to Him, but we are not Him, so there is a difference in the two. I have days where the line is totally blurred. I once had a guest Hebrew professor, who explained the idea behind the Jewish Yakima to us. It is a reminder that this is where I end and this is where God begins. I am only this body. I am not God. I think that is beautiful. So, I can choose to invest myself in the vanities of life, but it will count for nothing. I can also choose truth; the only thing that lasts. How often I have made the wrong decision.

This was something else that the Spirit gave me. In speaking of one truth and the acceptance of that, some people get hung up on God’s holiness. This is the opposite of blurring the Creator/Created line. This is getting nowhere near the line. I felt unworthy of God for a long time, and this would be a valid concern if I were asking whether to worship myself, but…God deserves to be worshipped because He is holy, He is kind because He endures me, and He has chosen to do that. So, if this is where you are, you are right. You don’t deserve to be worshipped. We will all worship something, however, so it is a good idea to get over the excuses to avoid God worship (discomfort being the most obvious one). This only means that we are turning that worship back to ourselves. Next thought…

What can we expect then while living in truth? Well, I think that Solomon had a fairly accurate view of life. We can expect change, progress. I love chapter three, especially when I do not think of that horrible song that was popular in the 60s. Everything has a season. There are times for everything, the destructive and the edifying. These are the cycles, worse and better. We see that in everything, behavior, habits, health. These are the givens. We don’t learn when everything is always the same. We would be so bored. God is a dynamic God.

He is truth; we belong to Him, so life is going to be interesting. I can sit back and sigh, while He gives me things to think about and stick my hand in olive jars. My cousin and I were talking about the fact that some of the questions that we use to decipher truth are really the wrong questions. They lead to nothing, anyway. Solomon was telling us that God gives room for us to know certain things, ponder certain things but we are limited because we are human. The only enduring truth is Him. While we struggle to figure Him out, He is just showing off all around us. We are so small and so vain. We will experience the seasons of life so that we can know our God just a little more before He calls us home. Let’s do this with all of our hearts. It is not to make us weary, but to bring us closer to the truth. There is one truth, not hundreds. Let’s concentrate on that.

Father, thank you that we can know you. Thank you that you give us seasons of life to come closer to the one truth, you Jesus. Take us deeper into you today and let us embrace a dynamic life.

Alright, alright...

In response to a conversation, yesterday:

Because my husband is awesome at what he does, he has been challenging me about the elements of this blog at my own request. I have been praying that I am faithful to God’s intent for it, while doing the best job that I can. It is strange to put so much effort into something of which you never see the fruits. Comments are wonderful and encouraging because they essentially tell you that you are not writing a private journal or a storehouse of future teaching topics, so thank you to those who spur me on in that way. I have so many completely non-techy friends and family, and I know that they do everything that they can just to log in. Thank you for being uncomfortable.

I can honestly say that this was a leap of faith. When I first felt that God was leading me to write, I cried and rocked and made sure that God remembered that I had only written papers in school. I even said, “What are you thinking?” What a vain thing to say to my Creator! I don’t even keep a consistent journal. I do have a lot of thoughts and opinions, but as someone desiring obedience, those are not always the best when shared. Proverbs encourages people like me to button up my lips. So, basically, I don’t know how I got here, and I don’t know where I am going.

I set up the blog on a Saturday, because I had to start on a Monday. This is because I am AR, and for no other reason. I had not even thought of a title for it. I just kept thinking that this was something that needed to reflect growth. I am in this process of becoming. There is no easy way to get there. I learn painful lessons and I pray and I read God’s word. I have been through suffering and trials. I have made some really bad choices, which have all been used to His glory, and that is the crazy thing about redemption. He continues to point me to His path, even if it is forceful at times. I am always relieved for the redirection.

In James there are interesting pictures given of a small device being able to move a large body. It is in reference to the tongue. I guess that my tongue is metaphorical in this situation. I actually do not even speak out loud when I write. Anyway…James 3:2-5, “For all of us make many mistakes. Anyone who makes no mistakes in speaking is perfect, able to keep the whole body in check with a bridle. If we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we guide their whole bodies. Or look at ships: though they are so large that it takes strong winds to drive them, yet they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great exploits.”

As I have matured in my Christian walk, I am much more willing to confess my shortcomings. I have many. I am in a process, sanctification…the process of growing in Christ through His grace. Most days, I long for Christ just to stick that bit in my mouth and put that bridle on my body, telling me exactly what to do and say. Problem: I am subject to my own sinful state. If I am not changed from the heart, anyone’s bridle will be a burden and inconvenience. I will rail against my handler and eventually resent Him. I am subject to the selfishness, envy, greed, manipulation, etc., that makes up me.

That is really what we are moving from; every day, every year our bridle becomes a little more real and we become a little more grateful for it. It is no longer the burden of our youth, but the celebration of our wisdom. Our bridle is woven with the experience of a lifetime and the tears of a thankful heart. We become a little more able to be steered by Christ, without the conscious effort that it took before. We move away from the milk of baby steps and take more leaps.

This blog will, hopefully, be a tool that can help Christian women put on the bridle that will keep the whole body in check. There is power in this simple act of submission. I will make mistakes. That is a guarantee, but I want for the Spirit to work so effectively in my life that all it takes is the comfort and security of knowing that I have my spiritual bridle on, to keep me in check. It will no longer feel like I am being tugged or pushed, just the gentle reassurance of His presence.

The tongue, the pen, can simply nudge us along. It can keep the thoughts in check. The Spirit moves through the word and the fellowship of the body. Perhaps, this blog can be one more tool, in our pursuit of Him. It has been such a wonderful gift to me. I pray that itcan be the same for you.

Toil and Like It!

Excess…lack of moderation…indulgence…absorbed…too much…me

I do things in excess. If I like it a little, I usually like it a lot. If I don’t like it, I leave it alone. I can’t clean the house a little. I like a clean house and when I choose to do it, get out of the way. I like food and want what I like, sometimes a lot of it. I should post the chocolate trifle recipe that I like…mercy! I have trouble with moderation. Ecclesiastes is giving me a new word for it…vanity.

I was in a discipleship role in a church several years ago. I remember that I slept very little, had an open door policy (I have boundaries now), ate standing up, worked, went to school, did ministry and complained about all of it. When the question began, “Could anyone….”, I would come running with my hand raised, “Me, me, me!” The sad thing is that I really did mean well. I guess that I thought I was that gifted. I had the desire, but desire has a center and dissipates with each thing that it touches. Everyone has to dip from the pool of their unique resources. Yes, we have access to the resources of heaven, but we have AN earthly purpose with A mortal body. God is concerned for these things. Often it is the mortal body that creates boundaries for us. That is an interesting day!

Ecclesiastes says it like this, Chapter 2, verse 22, “What do mortals get from all the toil and strain with which they toil under the sun? For all their days are full of pain, and their work is a vexation; even at night their minds do not rest. This also is vanity.” This verse addresses those days and nights of self-important sleeplessness with which I have engaged. I have indulged many times in forcing my body to exceed natural limitations, to be a dysfunctional slave to my perceived needs. I have scoffed at the Creator saying, “You just were not thinking of me when you made rest”. What vanity! If you are losing nights of sleep, ask yourself if you are changing anything through this form of neglect. Solomon says, “NO”.

Ecclesiastes 2:24, “There is nothing better for mortals than to eat and drink, and find enjoyment in their toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God…” God desires that we eat, drink, toil, AND enjoy it. I have so many thoughts on this, so just one today.

Isn’t it wonderful to see a woman who enjoys her home? I love to go to someone’s house just dripping with hospitality. They invite you in and give you something yummy to eat and drink. You know that she would be fine if you said, “Could you give me a second, I just want to stretch out for a nap”. You are not afraid that you will catch something if you take your shoes off and put your feet on the floor. She loves this job, and it is a job, ladies. This is toil. The foundation for the kingdom takes place in her kitchen and living room. Think of all of the people that you have had in your home. Think of all of the talks that you have had around your kitchen tables. This is the toil that the Lord honors; the ministry of our homes. Eating, drinking, and toil are the first things that Solomon delineates as from the hand of God.

So congratulations, we are naturally disposed to toil/enjoyment. If you are toiling meaninglessly, stop it. Find some enjoyment in what you do. If you are talking about how meaningless your life is because of the toil that you do, love those around you and stop. I am so grateful that no one was unkind to me, but when I look back, how embarrassing. I should have just carried around a sign saying, “dissatisfied and vocal”. Of course, this might mean that you have to open your heart to a larger purpose for your toil. Ask God to show you what enjoyment there is in his plan for you. You might even find that you are living the wrong plan. We need to know when to say, “Yes” and “no” for this enjoyment thing to work.

So, we will intentionally toil, eat and drink, knowing that it is from the hand of God.

Thank you Father that you do not desire us to be drones in this life. You offer us the joy that is part of your character. Let us examine our hearts and search for your purposes. Give us moderation and hope that we can change.

Moving Forward

I have been feeling a bit restless lately. It is not overwhelming; I can say is that it has been an underlying emotion. It is kind of like a fly that keeps returning. It could be a concern for the future, in light of all that has happened this month. It is not worry. It is just a distant hum; do you know what I am talking about? It could be anything when we offer our lives to Jesus, right? I could be on my way to Ghana tomorrow.

There are some days when I wake up with a word from God in my mind. There are others where He gives it to me after I read scripture in the morning, and there are others still where He gives me something in prayer. Any way that it happens, I am happy. Today, I have only a question in response to my underlying currents. I thought that I would share it with you, and the scripture that His Spirit gave me.

I sat for a long time this morning in prayer. I wrote this in my journal. “He places in everything the will to advance, a hope for our future, a day of expectation. We know that there has to be more. As Christians, day-to-day we aspire to manifest Him. We long to be expressions of Him.” I believe that we are advancing, constantly progressing. It is the pattern of creation and all that He has made. We move forward; we should move intentionally. Accompanying this forward motion can be…restlessness.

To my restless spirit, he simply asked… “Where do you want to go?”

This is how I picture the scene. He is holding me. I am squirming because sometimes I act like I am two. I am “not using my words”. I am whining and kind of whimpering. So, He sets me down in front of Him and He looks at me and says (just like you would to a two year old), “where do you want to go?”

All that I could answer was, “nowhere”. I want to be alongside of Him. I don’t know why I am feeling this way right now. Any other will not have the hope for my future. Any other will be an imitation, a fraud. My restlessness could be purposeful. It is making me state that I want Jesus; I just want to be with Him. Or, it could be my feeble nature trying to push me to discontent. Either way, I will not be moved. I choose to stay at His side. That is my decision today.

We all make decisions every day, don’t we? Where do you want to go today?

Here is the scripture He gave me, Psalm 139,

⁷ Where can I go from your spirit?

Or where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I ascend to heaven, you are there;

if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there.

⁹ If I take the wings of the morning

and settle at the farthest limits of the sea,

¹⁰ even there your hand shall lead me,

and your right hand shall hold me fast.

¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,

and the light around me become night,”

¹² even the darkness is not dark to you;

the night is as bright as the day,

for darkness is as light to you.