Flying Loser

I am on a plane today, which differentiates it from most others. Flying is so funny to me. It really is the experience of “the masses”. I am an inexperienced flyer these days. I will prove it to you; I forgot the “put-your-under-3oz.-liquid-items-in-a-baggie” rule, so I had to ask for a Ziploc at the x-ray machine. I went through my whole purse searching for liquids. Surprisingly, I have a lot. I was the, “you-can-go-ahead-of-me-because-I-am-not-ready” person. Afterward, I texted my husband and told him that I am lucky that I fly like I drive…pretty oblivious, so it didn’t bother me, but I didn’t ask anyone in line with me what they thought.

Then, upon sending my purse and three plastic bins through the x-ray machine (I am returning home this afternoon by the way, I just like to be ready), everything, keys and pens, etc., fell out of my bag and onto the conveyer belt. The kind TSA guy offered me a handful of my belongings…twice. I also sent my boarding pass through the x-ray machine in my computer bag, so I had to get permission to walk through the body search machine, promising that I would remedy the situation as soon as I could locate the proper documentation.

I just think that it is hysterical and I am sitting here in my window seat giggling as I write. Again, I did not ask anyone else in line what they thought. At this point, I am not entirely sure that my fellow passengers would find me as funny as I find myself.

Airports take me completely out of my norm; I see what I do not normally see, and some of it stops me in my tracks, but it is nothing that has not lived inside of me at one time or another: rage, vanity, attention-seeking or sadness, some happiness, too. It is just more obvious when you fly because people do not worry about the common niceties or facades; they don’t care what you might think about their attitudes and/or lifestyles. In the course of my life, I have been every t-shirt, every expression and every wandering eye that I have seen in this airport. And, now I am free…thank you, Lord.

Upon waiting for the privilege to x-ray my many possessions, I was behind a college fraternity guy. I have nothing against fraternities. I was in a sorority myself, proof that there is life on the other side. His t-shirt proclaimed his Greek letters and read, “Whoever says winning isn’t everything, is obviously used to losing”. This sort of thinking has done DAMAGE to my worldview. I have believed for most of my life that there are winners and losers. I am sure that today, some might say that I looked like a bit of a loser with my mad flying skills.

My experience has told me that every game has a loser, every relationship has a loser and every conversation has a loser…and then there are situations when I have really been wronged but they feel similar to the others…I just want to win. Think about it with me, do you talk until people collapse in a heap in front of you, just agreeing so that you will go away? This has been me, controlling every word that is spoken. I have wanted so desperately to be heard and to hear, “Yes, you are right…I validate you”.

Or, are you passive-aggressive, meaning that you don’t have to have agreement in the moment, but you make people sorry later with silence or coldness? Both, and most things in between, say the same thing; I have the right to be right…the right to be the winner. See, I don’t want to be a loser. I don’t want to be taken advantage of and I don’t want to be a doormat. And here is the truth; I also know that my understanding of winning is twisted and destructive. I have broken relationships and hurt people that I love…and I have won.

1 Peter 2:23, hits me right in the face, “When he [Christ] was abused, he did not return abuse, when he suffered, he did not threaten, but he trusted himself to the one who judges justly”. Peter tells me that Christ left matters of justice to the Father. Is it fair the way that Christ lived or died? Was that the point of His life and death, its fairness? Aren’t there just some acts, some relationships, and some ends that are more important than winning?

So, I have to ask myself if I really even understand justice, the very core of who should be right in this life. I believe, and scripture tells me, that at my core I am defiant to Christ. When I see that verse, it burns my flesh. I want for Christ to cry out, saying, “Oh, you’ll be sorry…wait until my Daddy hears about this”. And that, amongst many other reasons, is why He is God and I am not.

Why do I want for Him to be right? So that he could be more valued, less of a “loser”? Christ could have been “right” in front of the Pharisees, but instead He chose for us to be right for all of eternity. You know what? That is not fair either. I need to leave matters of justice in the hands of the One who knows what is worth fighting for…I can tell you from experience that my pride and my defiance are not worth the fight. That is not why Christ fought.

Lord, give me the grace to let you fight my battles. Close my mouth and open my eyes to you. I trust in your justice and believe that you do know what is best for me. Give me victory over defiance, today.

Speak Up, I Can't Hear You.

Not long ago, my husband and I were having a discussion. I was feeling a bit challenged and I was not handling his words especially well. I have come to find that my husband has a knack for truth. During our marriage of 30 months and three days, he has really laid some whoppers on me. Once, he pointed out the fact that I am not a diligent or consistent housekeeper…I know, shocking, isn’t it? He pointed that out because I profess to be such a wife, and was trying to defend myself.

The truth is that I am not. He is correct. I am neither diligent, nor consistent. I like to think that I am because it paints this idealic picture of me that I favor over the alternative. I desire to be “The Everything Woman”. The truth is that I am just me, inconsistent and dirty.

Next, I happened to be talking to my husband one day about how I hate to go to the grocery store, and he said that he too has had to go to the grocery store, only he does not complain about it…again, shocking! He dared to tell me the truth…I am a whiner.

What kind of a man am I married to? The best kind. He only let’s me see who I really am; who I was created to be. That is who he loves and that is who the Father loves. I intentionally plant these kinds of people all over my life. The ones that will tell me the truth…biblical truth; people like my husband, my mentor, the leaders of my church and a few of my friends. These are the people that the Lord points me to when I need counsel, or just someone to straighten me out.

The “grocery store event”, was especially poignant because I was reading Philippians 2:14, 15 at the time, “Do all things without murmuring and arguing, 15 so that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, in which you shine like stars in the world”.

Yikes. I am a murmurer and an arguer. I used to get every pleasure in the world from taking any member of my family into an argument, indiscriminately. The point was not the point; it was whether you could get them to beg for mercy from the rhetorical onslaught. My husband is less tolerant of these whimsical delights. He doesn’t play…so, I don’t argue. Thank you, Jesus.

So, that leaves murmuring. What is the deal with murmuring? That is that highly gifted area in which someone, usually a loved one, is talking to you and you turn away. But you don’t end the conversation, do you? You continue to talk just loud enough so no one can understand what you are saying, or the silent killer…the “brain-roll”. I often do these, and sometimes much more, when my husband reveals truth to me. The brain-roll is a response that I lay before the Lord every morning and throughout the day. I have found that the only victory over this is claiming the Holy Spirit's power over my thoughts .

Arguing and murmuring, both are terribly attractive, right? Paul says very unattractive. These are not appropriate for someone who claims the identity of, and aspires to emulate our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Did Jesus murmur and argue? No way. If He had something to say, it was worth listening to and He said it to his target audience and no one else.

So, why does Paul tell us to do all things like this? Because, arguing and murmuring make us stand out in a crowd. It hurts us. When people see this in our homes or in public, they think that we are just as out of control as the rest of this world. We are no different from anyone else. BUT, Paul is hoping that we are different. He wants for us to shut our mouths so that we can be blameless and innocent; and yes, shutting the mouth does promote less arguing and murmuring. People will know that we are children of God because we can actually control ourselves better than a toddler. The formal name is impulse control.

Paul says that the world around us is crooked and perverse…just watch cable for a while if you need convincing. Your job, in the midst of all of that arguing, murmuring and perversity, is to shine like stars. That is so beautiful. We are not supposed to shine like self-righteous windbags, but like Christ…like stars. Stars are big and bright, and I probably would notice one in a grocery store.

Think about how you fit into this conversation. I have already told you where I am. I will give you a hint…if you are not shining at home, in those familial relationships then there is a really small chance that you are actually shining in the world. Proverbs tell us that our home is the practice run for living outside the front door. If you aren’t willing to make it happen with people that you love, then you will not make it happen past your lawn. Our homes deserve our best, let’s commit to that.

Lord, teach us today and everyday to shine like you in our homes and in our community. Give us your Spirit to conquer the murmurs and the arguing that quench your light.

Continuums

I have had a corrupt view of sin (no pun intended) for most of my life. Honestly, it has made me unwilling at times to come to the throne of grace, boldly or otherwise, Hebrews 4:16, “Let us therefore approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need”. I have been unwilling to confess my sins before Jesus, my Savior…it sounds a little silly when you say it out loud. I say “unwilling” because it has been all about me; there is no blaming anyone else for something that literally takes moments to do.

The catch is that it has taken all the minions of heaven to help me scale the wall of my pride and rebellion in order to arrive at the bottom step of that beautiful throne of grace. A secret about the minions of heaven is that they do all of the work...they are excellent scalers.

Furthering my sin problem, I used to be one of those people who had the “goodness continuum” in my head. I was better than average so that meant that I still qualified for church on Sunday morning. Interestingly enough, the whole world thinks that they are better than average. There was a study done showing that most people think that they are better than average drivers, and we know that is not true. I would have bragged on my driving skills, too, before I ran a red light with five high school girls in my car (there, I confessed it; sorry moms). The subjective nature of scales makes them…worthless. I only mention all of this because I have, and still can, struggle with confession.

My sinful heart responded when I read this, Isaiah 43:25, “I, I am He, who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.” I love this verse; it speaks to me in a wonderfully mystical way. For a long time I have looked at this from afar, and today I tackle it.

These words are sort of a majestic way of saying, “I won’t remember your sins”, but let’s crack it open a little further. “I, I am He”, which makes me want to put my face on the ground in front of the proverbial burning bush. I just think of Moses standing there, on holy ground, hearing “I am”, that is His name. God is giving a peek at Himself. He is present and active in the midst of his people (see The Problem of God, John Courtney Murray for a “riveting” discussion of this). God is reiterating that He is here, Creator, Holy, Endless, Savior, Rescuer, Present; He is here for the sinful.

As I have said before, I hate messy. I cannot imagine why God would get messy over me, until I look at the cross. He blots out transgressions for His own sake. This has been what I cannot shake. For His own sake he is erasing all of my mistakes. Everything that is contrary to His holy nature, He removes from my life when I ask. For His own sake NOT for my sake, He restores the broken fellowship with Him created by my sin. Why? He wants me to come to meet Him at the throne of grace.

And why should this matter to me? Stay with me; read this slowly…He tells me who I am when he tells me who He is. Isaiah 43:21, “the people whom I formed for myself so that they might declare my praise”. I was not created for myself, but for Him. I was created to experience God in the infinite ways that He chooses to show me His face…so I can celebrate Him. I was created to watch God show off and just remain in awe over Him. This might hurt the pride of some; it used to put me off a bit. I have very little to do with this scenario, and I have thought very highly of me. So, here is the shocker, God acts independently of me. God is who He is independently of us, “I, I am He”, not “I, I am who you want me to be”.

This is why the continuum fails. God will not conform to my scale (thank you Jesus). He just will not let me call myself ok, when I am emotionally drowning or when I am doing “the brain-roll” at home. That is not ok. It is not about me…and I am not praising Him by doing what I want and emotionally stealing what I want from everyone around me, just to make me feel better about myself.

So how do we get there? We go boldly to the throne of grace where we lay down all of us and let Him make us into something new, even if we have to use the minions of heaven to get there. We let him make us into something new that reflects His purpose for us. He can break the shackles of worry and shame, so that we can raise our hands to praise Him, the One who is present. AND, as if reiterating this amazing act, he says in a whisper to my heart. And I will not remember your sins.

Thank you, Jesus, for making us new and desiring only that we praise you, enjoy you, delight in all of who you are. Thank you for making us for you. Whisper your freedom from sin to my heart today.

The Brain-Roll

Ephesians, 6:5-8, “Slaves, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, in singleness of heart, as you obey Christ; 6 not only while being watched, and in order to please them, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart. 7 Render service with enthusiasm, as to the Lord and not to men and women, 8 knowing that whatever good we do, we will receive the same again from the Lord, whether we are slaves or free.”

I was looking at this verse thinking, “Oh, poor slaves…called on to serve their little hearts out while in bondage”. Then I kept reading as Paul threw in the “we” language. He was speaking specifically to slaves, but he was including them in a larger discussion without social distinction. These verses are filled with the expectations of all believers. WE, all of us, slaves and free, are meant to live our lives of service with singleness of heart. Singleness of heart…as in no duplicity. For those of us who are still wondering, it is the mental eye-roll…I call it the “brain-roll”. It is much easier to do in public than the normal eye-roll, less conspicuous when you are in the middle of a conversation. No one might see it, but it is very much alive inside of us.

The double heart serves the church and home, perhaps even workplace, continually exhausted and at the end of their wits; always wondering how the next day will be possible. You know the type, the person who stands in front of you at work or church, constantly complaining about what they have to do, and how there is never enough time, as if their list is cosmically more important than anyone else’s in the course of history. They are usually the ones from whom we are backing away slowly, and waiting for a breath so that we can run to the bathroom…anywhere just to be out of their toxic reach. Toxicity doesn’t have to be that obvious, though. There are many of us who smile to the many faces we encounter and feel like we are dying inside, as people pour their hearts out to us. We have nothing left to give them.

I have been that person. I have flown by the seat of my pants in ministry. I have been toxic and duplicitous. I wondered why I always felt so lonely at those times. The truth is I did not even want to be alone with me. There was no peace. I scheduled a ton of activities (assumption that more activities = more Jesus, because I gave Him more opportunities to show up) and little by little the activities, and I, were less effective…and I was exhausted. Even now, after church sometimes I will get in the car and start to “talk”, but really I am “venting”. My husband is saintly in these moments but I know that he can’t help doing a brain-roll at his ridiculous wife.

The clincher, Paul does not stop at singleness of heart…the expectation is enthusiasm. That is right, the word of God says, “with enthusiasm”. What does that mean? It means that if we abide in Christ, He will give us singleness of heart and enthusiasm. Isn’t that the whipped cream and cherry on top of our sundae? Let’s make that a barrel of fudge? You and I both know that in this life, on this earth, we battle the forces that want to rob of us of an enthusiastic spiritual life every day. Christ wants this for us. Enthusiasm. Let me tell you why I, naively is what you are thinking, write that this is possible…because I believe that His word is true, I believe that it is relevant to me every day. Paul also says that whatever good we do, we will receive the same AGAIN, from the Lord. Whatever true, authentic experience that I have in this world, with the enthusiasm that he grants me to do his work, will be replenished so that I can just keep doing his work with singleness of heart and enthusiasm. I can be His hands and feet because He will give me that ability. The trick: stop trying to do it myself.

Lord, make us your hands and feet with singleness of heart and enthusiasm. We desire this relationship with you and the world. Remove toxicity and duplicity from our hearts and send your Spirit to recreate us.

Prisons

Philippians 1:12-14, “ I want you to know, beloved, that what has happened to me has actually helped to spread the gospel, so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard and to everyone else that my imprisonment is for Christ; and most of the brothers and sisters, having been made confident in the Lord by my imprisonment, dare to speak the word with greater boldness and without fear.”

Just four days short of eight months ago, I had back surgery. Just 2000 years ago, Paul was imprisoned. Both prisons were humiliating, painful, cruel and surprising. During my imprisonment, there were moments when I swear that I felt the breath of the devil as he waited for the faithful to retreat, for me to give up.

I am sure that Paul knows what I am talking about, and I am sure that you know what I am talking about…he waits for the faithful to retreat. I could no longer walk by the end of June. I had never imagined that the body could cause itself that kind of pain. I was a traitor to myself, and yet, somehow I just kept repeating, “He will use this for His glory”. Somehow…praise God. We did not retreat, Paul and I; God needed us elsewhere. God needs you elsewhere.

Prison, what does that mean to you? You might experience a physical prison, like Paul or I. The thing about prisons is that they are usually really obvious, small, stinky. They hold you back and keep you from experiencing freedom. You can probably tell me what your prison is right now; it could be a broken relationship or an emotional state that you can’t shake.

Prison can, also, be sin in our life. 2 Timothy 2:26 says, “and that they may escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will”. When Paul puts it like that, sin reflects the sun a lot differently. It blinds us with the message that you are not in control of these sinful prisons of your life, in fact you are little more than a captive…a prisoner.

The attractive part of sin is that it seems we have it under control, like we are somehow the warden of our sin. Let’s not kid ourselves, are you really in charge of it? If you are willing to be honest with yourself, then let’s take it one step further…to be a captive to sin makes us laborers on behalf of the devil (I just lost the popularity contest). What sins are holding us captive?...unforgiveness, lack of confession, refusing to be obedient, pride, worshiping ourselves and demanding what we want from the relationships in our life, regardless of the carnage that it leaves behind. Take your pick, they are all prisons.

But, according to postmodernism, everything has an upside, so prisons can also release us. Paul was released. I was healed. Relationships can be mended and sin can be forgiven. If I had to write what I feel like, prison-free and eight months later, it would be Paul’s words…modified. “I want you to know, ladies, and the occasional man, that what has happened to me has actually helped to spread the gospel, so that it has become known throughout the whole church/youth group/women’s ministry, and to everyone else that was within ear reach of my loud mouth that my imprisonment was for Christ; and most of us, having been made confident in the Lord by my imprisonment, dare to speak the word with greater boldness and without fear.”

It is funny what the prison experience will do to you and those around you. It will make you bold, and I am not afraid. I have nothing to lose; I have been in prison! It is time to free the captives, and lift each other up to escape the snares of this world. Christ desires our release so let's lay down the prisons of our lives and experience freedom.

Lord, release us from the prisons that we see and those we don’t see. Give us boldness to speak your word. Let us live a life of freedom in your son, Jesus Christ.